“An era can be said to end when its basic illusions are exhausted” - Arthur Miller

I wasn't gonna post until tomorrow because I'm exhausted and have a HUGE pile of stuff to catch up on since I got back, but I had some links lying around and figured I could use them here. In any case, I had a great time in Portland and got to spend some time with some of my favorite people on the planet, which I don't get many chances to do anymore. Anyway, here's some stuff to look at. I'm hoping to have a mix complete by Wednesday of this week to post before I send my laptop away to be fixed. I know how many times I've threatened to do this but I really have to fix that thing sooner than later.

-I don't want to get too excited about this just yet, but it looks like people are starting to look at KBR and wonder where the hell all that money went. These people deserve worse than whatever they got coming to them. Great read from the Chicago Tribune about the hilarious world of war profiteering.

-I should probably be wary of a remotely controlled robot vigilante stalking Atlanta, but this is just awesome.

-right about now in California I'm wishing I could build a giant fucking snow fort.

-an interesting little way around smoking bans: pretend you're an actor

-I want to buy everything Luke Chueh has ever painted.

-awesomeness. Even my poor grasp of Spanish doesn't hurt this great site.

-Also, I totally didn't think this actually existed, but I heard on Jordan Jesse Go! this morning about Charles Barkley Shut Up and Jam Gaiden, which has to be -according to this synopsis- the greatest fucking video game of all time. You can find a download link here. Thank you, Jesse Thorn. that made my morning. Now let me know if you ever find that clip of Tracy Morgan on the sports show, because I'm starting to think it doesn't exist.

Strangely, this instills the exact same feeling in me that politics do.

What in the sweet holy hell is running through John McCain's brain?

Bush now the least popular sitting president EVER.

So, I think I've mentioned my weird interest in regional dialects. I've gone so far as buy accent tapes for actors just to listen to and try to get a handle on what these accents sound like. So it should be no surprise to you that instead of packing for Portland this weekend or tying up some errands before leaving, I spend all evening playing around at the site for the University of Kansas' International Dialects of English Archive (IDEA). It's the most entertaining thing I've done in weeks and even though I'm not tying together this new mix (the whole reason I started there to begin with). So instead I nudge you towards the same site in hopes that you have the same absurd interests as me.
For a quick synopsis, check out the "Arthur the Rat" story here.

Hey Cotton, what's been happening since we last heard from you?

well,
kind reader
once I had done whatever I could to put my cousin in jail,
we had the first valentine's day plans we've ever made melted and bubbling in front of our eyes.
and then our apartment got broken into this morning.

nothing was taken that we know of. our cat, however adorable, has been ruled a suspect.
Or the fact that we live a block from a police station.
and it was Sunday morning

I'm not going to turn this into a cat blog, I swear to you. but one more picture because I finally got one where he doesn't look like a psycho.
see? isn't that nice? He's helping keep things calm right now. I'll be more sensible and funny and groin-grabbingly spectacular tomorrow, I swear. or the next day.

I just think it's funny.

When I was in high school, one year we had a teacher strike after a particularly harsh winter. It was a pretty big deal, though I missed most of it because I was out of the country. Anyway, because of the strike and weather, we'd gone over our yearly allotment of snow days, and the school board had decided to keep class in session an extra week at the end of the year.
Naturally, the student body opposed this. We made a decision to state a walkout. So at 1:20 or whatever time, we all got up and walked out smugly, proud of using a time-honored form of protest to let our feelings be known on the subject. About 70% of the students left. We stood in the back parking lot chanting or some shit ("FREE MR. CLARK") for about 45 minutes until the doors opened ans the superintendent appeared with a megaphone. He told us that he appreciated our feelings, and that this would be taken into account for the hearings they were having later that week.
I wish I could say that I felt strongly about it. that I was standing up for my rights as a student and wanted my voice to be heard. But, like most of my fellow activists, we just didn't want more school. and seriously, what better way to protest more school by cutting class? It's win-win! Anyway, the super thanked us for our time and then asked us to return to class. About half the crown started shuffling back towards the school, confident that their point had been made. The rest of us just stood there.
"Wait, we gotta go back to class?", "I'm not going back in there", "I've got a bag of mushrooms in my car", "screw this, I'm cutting my lunch right now"
so the remains of this protest were still out there, sorta wincing at the prospect of going back into class after less than an hour. We all took a step back away from the school. The super took a step towards us.
We took two steps back.
The Super started walking.
"RUN!" a friend of mine yelled, and the remaining hundred or two left just bolted off into the woods behind my school. We jumped fences, found trails and kept on running. Through the retirement community, through the woods, to the McDonald's about a mile away. A calm, suburban fast food joint went from a dead early afternoon to housing the most obnoxious and ill-intentioned group of miscreants that could be scraped from the dregs of my high school. Kids were smoking pot in the bathroom, pouring booze into their soft drink cups, just terrorizing everyone.
The bulk of us ended up going to a park or something for the rest of the day, most of us getting pretty heavily punished in the classes we'd cut. I think I might have failed French that year because of it.

So, the GOP staged a walkout today to protest the contempt charges that the Dems slipped in for Harriet Miers and Josh Bolten. Minority leader Boehner called it a partisan fishing expedition and they all got up and walked out.

Are you for real with this? Really? I only ask, because you're supposed to be the grownup party. A walkout? I wish I could say that these guys just wanted to go get high in a McDonald's bathroom, or maybe just wanted to play the monopoly game to see if they won a free cheeseburger. or even were just sick of the tedium that most accompany being locked up in that place a whopping 150 days a year. But what it comes down to is that these guys weren't gonna get their way so they wanted to throw a hissyfit and do it in front of the press.
Isn't it hard to pitch a fit about this being a partisan action when you REMOVE YOUR PARTY from the action? Also, the Dems have had many, many many occasions to stage protest at plenty of your moves, but didn't. As much as they were pissing me off, they were being the bigger men and women. I still think it was wrong, but I hold a new respect for those guys after watching an ENTIRE party in out political process act like petulant children. Stop it. Knock it the fuck off.
From here on out, you idiots (ALL OF YOU IDIOTS ON BOTH SIDES OF THE AISLE) should just stop this pissing and moaning and just grow up. Work together for this country. Make some goddamned compromises. or burn the whole system down. Because I'm sick of this fingerpointing, dirty politics shit. I hope you're sick of it, too. We're supposed to be better than this. We're supposed to be the best! I just wish you'd stop wiping your ass with the laws of this country long enough to read them.
There's dozens of people that I don't agree with at my work. There's a lot of them I don't even like. You know how I work with them, though? (wait, how do I do that?) Oh yeah, by not being completely retarded. Nut up and do your goddamned job already. Stop wasting all of our goddamned time and money with this.
Fact is, Miers and Bolten ignored subpoenas. Which is illegal. Stop acting like we're hiring a third-party group to smear them in the press by telling lies about their service to their country. and stop throwing "national security" around like you're a goddamned cheerleader. Find a new excuse. There's millions of them. Personally, I think eczema would be a funny one, but anything that isn't some bullshit about terrorists. You had 6 years of pissing all over our laws and civil rights. You bullshitted your way into out personal information and then sold it off to Choicepoint a long time ago. You've made weapons contractors richer and richer and richer in the name of national security. You've instilled a few and mistrust in this nation that will never heal in my lifetime. Thanks for that, by the way. If you haven't been able to make our country safe with this, then you're more than likely doing it wrong.

and if you're a GOP congressman that doesn't care about this, that is just going along with this so you get party support for some resolution you're working on, you're the worst of the bunch. Shame on you. If you know this is pure grandstanding and go along with it anyway, then you don't deserve to represent your pet cat, let alone the poor saps you're actually supposed to be helping.

oh and I swear if I found out that you were all humming "Battle Hymn of the Republic" or some other purple-thumbed shit while you walked out I'm driving to Washington and renting Michael Moore's ice cream truck and we'll see what sort of stuff I can make up.

Q: What kind of asshole wears black & blue on Valentine's Day?

A: The same kind of asshole that can be seen frequently chasing his wedding ring down the hallway in his workplace.


I managed to cram some flowers in a mailbox, though. They're kind of smushed, but the sentiment was totally there.

horrible and painfully funny quote of the day:

"I'm pretty sure that Fergus has developed Feline AIDS just from watching this Bret Michaels dating show"

How I get lost without leaving my living room

I was recently asked my how I end up "researching" the crap that I do online. How I go to check the basketball scores from the night before and end up looking at the Hand of Glory or wondering what the dark red liquid is that's all over the control room of reactor three at Chernobyl*.

So last night I sat with a pen and paper and tried to map out how exactly this happens. I wanted to map where I go and how I got there. and looking back on it, I failed spectacularly. I started by checking out what the most recent list on Oobject (this along with Buzzflash, Warren Ellis, BoingBoing, or Fark are generally my starting points for stuff like this, see bar at left for links to all these places), and they had a list of "weird outlaw radio transmitters". Which is pretty awesome as it is. Between that and the page for the B-25 (the plane I took a picture of and posted over the weekend. I wasn't sure if it was a B-25 or a B-26, but I've since learned it was actually a B-25J) I managed to go on a clicking spree that took me from the furthest reaches of experimental artillery to micronations and pirate radio. From painter Thomas Luny to the Stratellite communications airship. Oddly enough, I ended up at the site of this Burlesque Revue, which I was invited to attend this weekend and promptly declined**.

Anyway, excuse my childish penmanship and bear with me. There's no actual diagram here, but it made sense to me as I was writing it. There's a completely logical sequence here, and I can tell you why looking at the wikipedia page for the B-2 bomber would cause me to look up the St. Louis Arch (namely because the picture on the B-2 page shows it flying over St. Louis for some reason and I didn't know you could actually go inside the Arch. Moving on, this was more an experiment for me than anything, and an unproductive one at that. But now I know what the Child Ballads are (see image above). Most of these were wikipedia or directly referred to by wikipedia, with the exceptions of the etymology site, the Fort Flagler stuff, and the Burlesque page. I'm sorry I haven't linked all of that because it would take me for fucking ever. So enjoy this half-assed attempt at explanation:

*As it turns out, it was a heavy foam that was sprayed in the air to remove the floating radioactive particles in the dust from the air that the cleanup crews were breathing.

**I've got my own numerous reasons for doing so, but mostly because I fear my eyes would actually detach their retinas and start rolling my head like windows on a slot machine. Not in a "take it off" way, but more of a "seriously, you already won. I respect your femininity, but it's boring the shit out of me" sort of way.

In other news, I'm rapidly approaching post #400. Which means I should do something celebratory. I almost certainly will not.

"The Pennsylvania Scenario"

PA's primaries might matter for the first time...ever. I'm not sure how I like the "Pennsylvania Scanario", though, since I can't recall anything with "The _________ Scenario" having positive connotations. Still, it's nice that things get relevant once I'm gone.

R.I.P. Tom Lantos

I don't agree with all of his stances and I have questioned his judgment. But he was a good man and an honorable public servant. He'll be missed.

"It is only in the United States that a penniless survivor of the Holocaust and a fighter in the anti-Nazi underground could have received an education, raised a family, and had the privilege of serving the last three decades of his life as a Member of Congress. I will never be able to express fully my profoundly felt gratitude to this great country."

as an aside, though, can you imagine how pissed off he must have gotten when everyone started comparing the stupidest things to Nazism a few years ago? I wish he'd started slapping people in the face when that was going on.

after the 60 Minutes Dem candidate interviews (nothing that new from either camp, but I didn't really pay attention) the next segment was questioning the logistics of continuing to press pennies and nickels every year, despite them being worth less than the material it's printed on. It was more interesting that you'd think. or at least than I'd think. But it was the sight of a disoriented and ornery Andy Rooney stumbling around the Super Bowl with what may or may not be a midget or midget-level dog doing most of the camera work. First, has getting denied access at like 6 parking lots in a row. He makes crankyface at the camera and then proudly drives around some more (the camera undoubtedly skipping over the scores of citizens he must have run over) until he finds the appropriate lot. Then, it was just him walking around, drinking wine and looking generally annoyed the entire time. It was the funniest thing I've seen in a while. The best is when ht shines the camera on himself while at his seat and there's this young guy next to him like "great. this guy. thought I was gonna be sitting next to playmates or Stephen Baldwin or something and I get Andy Rooney. and he's got a camera with him..."

developments in both the primary season and the writer's strike. huh.

Sometimes a wrong turn can lead to the coolest stuff. and sometimes accidentally driving out onto an airport runway can be pretty awesome.

The Green Bastard

It's easy for me to say I had an easy choice in making my decision for the primary. I wish I could say that I still had a candidate I agreed with more often than not that's still in the election. But my little midget is out. and I'm stuck here with two candidates that, sure they're better than those guys, but they're still a far cry from where I think government should be headed. But it's reasons like this that led me to make the decision I did. I'm sick of bullshit maneuvering. I'm tired of playing to the polls. I want politics to inspire me for the first time. Jesus, can you imagine how nuts I'd be if I was actually enthused about a politician? I certainly can't.
But I just wanted to share this endorsement with you, because it's the only one that's meant sweet fuck all to me this election. It's got nothing to do with who's giving it or even who it's for. but it's damned refreshing.

With Romney out, this would mean that the logical choice for most social conservatives would be Huxtabee, right? Ooooh does this mean we get to hear him talk about fried chicken more?

I know that my posting has been erratic (in content, at least) and moody at best lately, and I apologize for it. There's some very serious family stuff going on right now in my life and as a result I'm not really sleeping and am pissier than normal. My apologies and believe me, the sooner it's over the happier I'll be, I promise.

I've been debating whether or not to address it here, and maybe I will later in some vague way but for now it's better not to drag the lives of those I love any further into this than they are. In the meantime, though, you can expect me posting a lot more in hopes of forgetting about it and maybe even making a funny or two. I hope. anyway, here's a sad puppy:

Year of the Rat

-Wow. We should all just take a minute to thank Mitt Romney for his selfless withdrawal from the race for the GOP nomination. He threw himself on the grenade so that America wouldn't fall into the clutches of hated white-flaggers such as Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama. Thanks for the effort, you smirking d-bag. We'll see you in 2012 when you're bragging about how much more liberal you are than the rest of your party.
Hey, now that your sons aren't working on the front lines of your campaign anymore, are they gonna head off to fight the war that you're so crazy about?

-Lieberman Zell Miller blah blah blah.

-Haliburton managed to force a very serious sexual harrassment case made against them into secret arbitration, which means that they'll pretty much laugh at her behind closed doors and toss the case. Note the last sentence of the article, where it states that Halliburton/KBR seeking to have her pay for their costs of defending their right to arbitrate.

-Mother of three dies as "nonhostile death" in Iraq. ON HER THIRD TOUR.

-as if heaven knew I needed cheering up today, the trial of the hilarity that is Milton Street begins today.

Seriously, what the crap is this all about?

Recreational Simulations 1 is a collection of 4 doses on CD: Marijuana, Cocaine, Opium, and Peyote. Each audio track contains our advanced binaural beats that will synchronize your brainwaves to the same state as the recreational dose. Mixed with our advanced auditory pulses are soothing backtracks of ambient soundscapes to help the brain induce of state of mood lift, euphoria, sedation, and hallucination. For the truly serious psychonaughts only.

I wonder how many times I could listen to all of these at once before I drop out of society to go work on a turnip farm under the assumed name of "Rusty Trapeze" and have daily freakout parades in the 1986 Toyota Carolla that poses as my living room.

Duper Wednesday

I'm tired from staing up all knight staring at a computer screen. Like usual, I'm so mad that I even bothered. Nothing is settled, and I knew that nothing would be figured out by now. But goddamned if that analysis isn't riveting. Plus, and this is kind of embarrassing, but I ALWAYS like to watch Tom Brokaw when he shows up for these things. I miss that guy. His slightly humble attitude and glottal L have earned a spot in my rusty trap of a heart. Still, I'm pretty much in the same place as I was yesterday.

Anyway, I came into work this morning and yelped with excitement when I saw on PTW that a new Man Man song has been released. This and the new Breeders albums are probably my two most anticipated albums of the new year, and of course I could use a lift today.
But 3 seconds into this song I realized that this song isn't that new. They've been playing it live for at like 2 years. I like this recording of it, but still I was hoping for something I didn't know the words to. And thinking of it, it's weird that I do know the words to it.
and this isn't to sound like one of those snotty indie kids (too late, probably). Because I really, really don't like that whole thing, and it always pisses me off. Also, I have half a point here.
This is a very similar to my reception of Patton Oswalt's Werewolves & Lollipops. It's a great album, and it made me laugh. But by the time it came out I'd seen him perform the entire album and heard it performed at least 2 or 3 more times on top of that. Does this mean I should stop attending live shows? Only attend live shows? Avoid comedy? I'm lookinog for answers here, people. Right now, my head is a fuzzy little beehive of polling numbers, statistical anomolies, and misplaced Lehrer fallout. So I pretty much am incapable of thought. My apologies.

PS. I've got two coffee thermoses in front of me and I've tried to pour from the empty one into my mug twice in a row now.

Ballot Busters '08

I voted on my way in to work this morning. Our polling place is a retirement community that we circled for twenty minutes trying to find. It wasn't until the handwritten sign "NO PARKING PARK ON STREET TO VOTE" that we knew where we were going. So I parked in the lot and strolled in to vote.
I am not even being facetious when I say that I was the only voter there that wasn't in a rascal. I was also cut off by two people in said scooters while waiting in line. This is my life.
Anyway, I was all ready to go in there and demand to see the paper trail from my vote on the machine (this sounds paranoid, I know. But I do NOT trust those electronic machines). and was surprised to see that they were using paper ballots. Which, of course, I was the only person who didn't know how to fill it out. It's not just a "write a name" thing, but rather a punch card, thingy. Furthermore, as a registered independent, I had a slightly more confusing one.
Yes, I had a room full of seniors sighing loudly as I struggled to figure out how to vote. Huh. so that's what it's like.

In any case, I was told later that there are 27,000 machines currently in storage in nearby Riverside. They've been used twice. I don't even want to think about how much money that wasted, or how much of it, through Diebold, went into candidates' pockets.
Anyway, super tuesday is over for me. It was nice to get to vote in a Primary for the first time since registering Green in 2002, and it was nice to vote in a primary that's early enough to matter for the first time since, well, ever. But that said I just am sick to death of this and can't wait until it's over so that work can actually get done. I'm far more interested in the Senate races in Colorado, New Hampshire and New Mexico than I am about the presidential crap. Unless McCain wins. Then I start praying.

oh wait, and Minnesota. If Al Franken gets elected to the senate, I will kiss each and every Minnesotan on the mouth. I just think it'd be funny to have Stuart Smalley in the U.S. Senate. Maybe he could talk some confidence into the Democratic party.

On a completely different subject, the CIA admitted to torturing three people. Hey assholes, do you think that after denying it for five years that we'll believe you when you admit that yes, you did use it, but only on three people?

I think my file just grew.

"Yes we are world champions. If they had won, they would have been world champions. We beat the hell out of a machine."

As the Spectrum's days are numbered, the Sixers are going to play one last game there. I wish I could make it, though, as some real tribute. I saw my first concert there, and attended my first professional sporting event. I saw an elephant take a shit that dwarfed the clown nearest it and then take a piss that actually endangered the crowd. Man, I love the circus.
I saw a Harlem Globetrotter pants a toddler, who proceeded to cry like the world was coming down on him. I saw not one, but two friends of mine get caught trying to steal a case of beer from a vendor at a professional wrestling event. I saw Bruce Springsteen, by myself, for about twenty minutes before getting ejected myself.
I met people at the Kate Smith statue while barely capable of standing. I did whippets with bikers in the parking lot and saw a guy fall face first into a filthy puddle with broken glass in it. I saw a friend's mom's car get keyed. I saw Charles Barkley at the height of his career there, and Dr. J at the end of his. I got to see Moses Malone. I only wish I'd gotten to witness the batshit insanity of one Chocolate Thunder*. To be honest, I don't think I've ever looked fondly on the place until now, and I'm still almost certain that I can smell the urine stench of the upper levels.
I know I'm not the only one who has fond memories of a giant, borderline awful stadium. and I'm not even that much of a sports guy. But it's one more place that exists only in the minds of people who can recite Clarence Weatherspoon stats, or look upon Dave Brown with anything but the scorn normally reserved for rabid badgers and Amway reps. It was also the site of several of the greatest dunks in history, namely this one.
Shit, there were several major championships won there (including those by the greatest Ice Hockey team that has ever existed) and countless minor ones (go Wings). They beat the Red Army there! in 1976! How fucking classic is that? Bobby Clarke lost like 7 lives worth of teeth in that building. Christian Laettner... I probably wouldn't even know who that was if he hadn't pulled off that famous shot over Kentucky in the Spectrum. I'm just saying it was a stink-ridden piss hole. But it was ours. and for that alone I guess I'll miss the dump.

oh, it also has an Elvis jumpsuit named after it** and was the site of the genesis for "Comfortably Numb". No shit!

* As a fan of insane sports personalities, you really can't beat Darryl Dawkins. The proof? umm:

Dawkins named the backboard-breaking dunk "Chocolate Thunder Flying, Glass Flying, Robinzine Crying, Babies Crying, Glass Still Flying, Catch Crap, Rump Roasting, Bun Toasting, Thank You, Wham, Bam, I Am Jam."

He named other dunks as well: the Rim Wrecker, the Go-Rilla, the Look Out Below, the In-Your-Face Disgrace, the Cover Your Head, the Yo-Mama, and the Spine-Chiller Supreme. The 76ers also kept a separate column on the stat sheet for Dawkins’s self-created nicknames: "Sir Slam," "Double D," and "Chocolate Thunder."

Also, he claimed to be an alien from planet Lovetron where he spent off-season practicing "interplanetary funkmanship" and where his girlfriend Juicy Lucy still lived.

**Elvis fans are fucking crazy. I was going to mention how insane it is that fans would pay such close attention to jumpsuitage, but in thinking about this I'm forced to recall a writeup of a Grateful Dead show in Vegas or something in the early nineties, the healine of which read (I wish I was kidding) "Jerry wore shorts!". That still makes me laugh.

as I type this, there are 21.5 tons of butter on the Northeast extension. Which means it's probably moving faster than it ever has before.

Dead Pets Society

A diary of the animals a vet tech puts down. My GOD this is sad. But it makes me happy that we adopted this furry little monster that's licking my feet as I type this.

Will Bunch has to point out again why endorsing both McCain and Obama is completely stupid. I honestly at this point have become concerned about this whole thing. As I head into the voting booth tomorrow, I honestly have to decide which party I want to vote for (registering as an Independent in CA allows me to do this) because while I want Obama to win, I really want McCain to lose. I honestly just can't even fathom our nation being bullheaded enough to vote for this guy after the 7.5 years of bullshit we've just been through. Seriously.

I had this image hanging over my bed for 8 years and had completely forgotten about it until just now.

I refuse to get excited about this, especially since even if it is made, it could be terrible. Nonetheless, I'd still totally pay to see it.

"Arrested Development movie becoming more likely"

Stolen from Fark

While I bemoan the state of ignorance that our culture seems to be nosediving into, it's somewhat comforting to know that we're not the only ones. 1 in 4 Britons think that Winston Churchill was a fictional character, that Sherlock Holmes was real.

OK Prostitute had her kids waiting in the car.

Stephen King on the popularization of the Presidential election.

What made my day today: For a brief moment, Tom Petty's wikipedia page had him listed has having been born on January 20, 1260.

What are ya, some kinda doomsday machine, boy?

You may have noticed that I've rearranged the links and gone back and tagged the past year or so of entries. Yeah, look at me go. Anyway, the tags are about as inconsistent as the posts.

So, in a fit of celebration*, I've allowed myself a few glasses of wine. and I'm sitting here, looking at the copy of Halloween II that I bought a few months ago, eager to finish this bottle of Chilean Cabernet and provide something of a play-by-play of my watching it. Because I'm sure if you're reading this now you haven't seen it, or even weirder, but I haven't seen it in quite a bit and I've love to bore you with reasons why I think it's very close to being as good as the original. But, some other time I suppose.
Instead I'm watching Live & Let Die, which might be the most underrated Bond movie of all time. I watch this fondly, thinking of an old friend I first saw this with and haven't seen in ten years. I think of McCartney, killing it and Jane Seymour being fucking gorgeous, and that New Orleans funeral, which was certainly the first I've learned of the tradition. It immediately replaced the Viking funeral as my death celebration of choice. You could say this is morbid for such a young age, but I'd interject that this is more of an obsession with going out in style than an obsession with death. Anywho, I'm just now at the famous boat jump scene, which made the Guiness Book for dozens of years an may still be there today.

Question: Did Guns 'n Roses help or hurt the legacy of the song "Live & Let Die"

*to what, you may be asking? I've given my consent to adopting a cat, despite A) always having been a dog person, B) not having a pet since moving out of my parents' house, and C) not technically being allowed to have them in out apartment. It's not that I had the final say in this o course, but I've tried to be a voice of reason, you see.
He's a cute little bastard, I promise. and the look on my wife's face when she first saw him was absolutely worth every penny and minute of litter changing. Pics to come once he's not terrified of me.
Wait, for reference, this is the piture that made us go and take a look. Yes, this was his first impression:
if he's half as crotchety and irritable as this picture suggests, he'll be a perfect fit.

Writer's Strike: By the numbers

So, as one with too much time and a desperate need to avoid reality television, I've been looking things over.

The 1960 and 1988 writer's strikes lasted 21 and 22 weeks, respectively. The current writer's strike has lasted 12 weeks and 4 days.

Bad News Bears:
This means that even if the strike were to end now, there would be no TV for a few weeks at the least.
Almost every show on TV is out of new episodes. See if your favorites are here.

Meh
Half of the new season of Lost was completed, which means yet another delay in their programming schedule. Look froward to lots of stupid teasers and an incredibly tense hanging-on point (thanks for dicking around with the season again, guys).
The same can be said for Battlestar Galactica.
Somehow, 12 new Simpsons episodes are in the can and ready to be aired. I have no idea how this is possible, considering how much longer it takes to produce animated shows.
South Park is not affected by the writer's strike at all. Unfortunately, this means they'll keep puttin the new shows out in that really odd 4-week-season-every-2-months crap schedule.

The Good News
-The Wire was finished up. I guess there's a good side to cutting your season down to 10 episodes.
-Scrubs may not even get a season finale. This pleases me for some reason. I don't know why, because NBC has pretty much blown their wad as far as the rest of their shows.
-Entourage might get cancelled. Maxim subscribers everywhere shudder at the thought.
-This might make the Summer rerun desert a LOT shorter, which would be a dream. In all likelihood, though, we're screwed.

I'm still not entirely sure about how this affects movies. I don't like the idea of Tyler Perry's Tyler Perry Presents Tyler Perry Meets the Browns sitting in theaters for 11 weeks because nothing new is coming out. This might really screw up the box office for the year.

This has been your depressing moment.

or your exciting moment if you're one of those asswipes that says things like "I don't watch TV." or "I just watch Nova" or "Stop touching me, I'm just paid to show off the car" or "Sir, this isn't the bathroom" or "For the last time, just because you live in your car doesn't mean you can have your mail forwarded there."

you uptight dicks.

RE: Lost

okay, I'm glad you're back, even if it's just an 8 episode reprieve from the barren writerless landscape of TV that we have right now. and I'm going to watch your show despite the niggling suspicion that it could turn from suck to blow at any minute. But if you think FOR A SECOND that I'm going to take part in the wankery of your cross-promotional viral marketing schemes, you're fucking crazy. I'm not watching Eli Stone (and seriously, do you think putting George Michael in the show is going to help anything?) to see some fake commercial. I'm not going to buy comic books because of some tiny add that you think is clever. I don't care if it spells out the entire series for me, give it up. Appreciate that I'm still watching the damned show and put that money into something new you'll need when this wraps up, because face it, ABC is a garbage dump for most of the week.

That said, I'm thankful I'll be able to watch Pitt trounce* UConn tomorrow morning.

*and seriously, they'd better trounce them. I'm starting to look at my diploma and wonder how I can alter it to make it look like I went somewhere else. "University of Piffsburgh?" "yeah, they have a kickass basketball program. I'd tell you to check out their website, but it's, um...under construction"

Two people I salute this day

Lincoln Chafee and Montel Williams.

I didn't see this coming either.

Chafee is a former Senator (R-RI) who was the lone Republican to vote against the war, and had a history of going against the GOP a lot of the time when he didn't agree or wanted to exercise common sense (against gay marriages, for stem cell research, etc...). which I respect more than probably 90% of the politicians we've voted in. It's admirable enough to vote for what you believe in, but when you consider how many of our representatives roll over when their national party asks them too, especially the GOP, it's goddamned heroic. In any event, he's got a new book out, and while he's displaying the 20/20 hindsight hat seems to plague former Senators, I'm always interested in what he has to say, especially when he's attacking both sides of the aisle. Good for you, Linc.

Montel Williams... Lets just say I've learned a LOT about him in the past week, and I couldn't admire him more for going on Fox news and taking them to task for spending days to talk about Heath Ledger's death but not about the 28 soldiers that have died in this year alone. Williams is a former Marine and naval officer, for those keeping score. Extra points for totally duping them into thinking he'd be talking about Heath Ledger. He lost his job for it, but he's gained my lifelong respect. Though seriously, dude. Telling high school journalists that you can blow them up...not cool.

I'm not sure if I've ever mentioned Jeph Loeb on here before, but for those without the nerd-leanings, Loeb is a pretty successful comic book writer (he, along with frequent collaborator Tim Sale, have written some of the best adaptations of popular characters ever, specifically the 3 or 4 Batman books they did), movie writer (Teen Wolves 1 and Too!, Commando*!) and TV writer/producer (Lost, which he left to help start Heroes), and all around man about LA.
Make no mistake, Jeph Loeb is a giant nerd, and hearing interviews with him convinces me that he's a bit of an obsessive weirdo, but in a fun sort of way. He displays a lot of common sense, at least for a guy whose career has spanned across several entertainment mediums.
Anyway, Jeph lost his son Sam to Cancer in June of 2005. Sam was by all accounts a good kid, and clearly affected a lot of people. The eulogy his father gave for him was famously given again for Captain America last year, and it's truly one of the most touching things I've ever read. Even in the context of being for a fictional character with wings on the side of his head (no, not Hermes, you asshole).
I was flipping through an old stack of books getting ready to throw them out the other day and came across one that Sam had plotted, and 26 of the most talented people to ever work in the (or any) industry scripted and drew in tribute to him. It's really a testament. But what I completely forgot about was the story attached, that was done by the incredible creative team of Loeb/Sale that I mentioned above. It's pretty bare bones; six pages and B&W, but still incredible moving. It puts Sam in the fictional DC Universe, as a childhood friend of Clark Kent.
It's an astounding piece of work, and it hits me like a sucker punch to the chest. You can read details about it here, and I'm going to post to all six pages below. Don't read it if you don't want to, but it's really not something you have to be into comics to get and to be moved by. It will take 4 minutes of your time and is worth it.
and it won't turn you into a sweaty nerd, I promise.
Anyway, thanks to the sweaty nerds at Newsarama for leaving it up long enough for me to link to them. If the pages are too large on your screen to read, try clicking the actual pages in the link above.

Page 1
Page 2
Page 3
Page 4
Page 5
Page 6

*I have to figure out a better footnote system, but I recently found out that the original plot for Commando involved an ex-Mossad agent and was written with Gene Simmons in mind. Just think about that for a second and imagine a power-mad Gene Simmons hurling a heating pipe through someone's chest cavity.

My lunch today

2 slices of muenster with a small handful of roast beef between them.

for real.

So here's my Country/Western mix. I hardly expect this to be a popular download, but I've been listening to these songs quite a bit lately. This ranges all over the place, from weird folk pop (the Kenny Rogers song) to Western Swing (Boxcar Willie's covering of "San Antonio Rose") to Bread ripoffs (Don Williams) to songs that are essentially Blues cuts (Patsy Cline's "Hungry for Love"). This is all classic country music, none of that shit that I grew up thinking was country music. I've left the stuff I've grown to love over the years (Hank, Cash, Merle Haggard, Waylon Jennings, Bob Wills, etc...), but there's several covers paying tribute to them, so their footprints are felt. I also wish a few Jim Reeves songs could've made it on here, too. But I'm preparing to send this computer away for repair and wanted to get this up and out before doing it. That said, I'm embarrassed I don't know more Patsy Cline, because pretty much every song of hers is absolutely beautiful. I know she has 2 songs here, as does Conway Twitty. They're worth it, trust me. I was very close to having two seperate artists with the name Billie Jo on here. In time, I might make another one, but this will work for now. I may have posted Patti Page's "Tennessee Waltz" here before, but what can I say I love that song. Thank Keith Richards and the movie Zabriskie Point.

One of my biggest complains about music I don't like is that I have no place to listen to it in my life. This covers a lot of different things, and to be honest I never thought I'd have much use for Country music. Which is odd, considering I listen to Blues and Bluegrass probably once a day at least). But I've found that Country music is good in several instances for me.
1) Cooking. if you're taking the time to make yourself and loved one(s) an actual meal, put this on. It's almost tailor made to accompany simmering sauces, sizzling oil, and melting butter.
2) Drinking. I'm not talking about your nights out a tthe club. I don't mean telling your bartender to put this on. I'm speaking specifically of 2 scenarios. The first is in a filthy, smoky bar, surrounded by older men by themselves with a lot on their minds. In this case, there should be a jukebox with plenty of other Country music on there. The second, though, is that rare wonderful form of warm weather, outdoor drinking with friends, at a leisurely pace and with friends. ah yes. Clearly you can combine the above two activities. Maybe not barbecue music, but how about after the sun goes down, near a still-hot grill?
3) Long drives. This is a time-honored tradition. I just never understood why until recently.
Or play this while you're doing whatever you damn well want. I've been listening to these songs while I work with great results. I wouldn't recommend working out to this, or running, but anything that isn't strenuous should work. Anyway, here we are:

Rock, Flag & Eagle: Cotton's Second Wave of Country that doesn't suck.
1. "Wild Side of Life" - Freddy Fender
2. "Rhythm & Booze" - Buck Owens
3. "Paths of Victory" - Anne Muray
4. Six Days on the Road" - Dave dudley
5. "Walkin' After Midnight" - Patsy Cline
6. "Big Train" - Conway Twitty
7. "Happiness of Having You" - Charley Pride
8. "I Don't Claim to Be an Angel" - Kitty Wells
9. "Shine On Ruby Mountain" - Kenny Rogers & the First Edition
10. "King of Fools" - Ed Brice
11. "The Pill" - Loretta Lynn
12. "Please Help Me I'm Falling" - Hank Locklin
13. "San Antonio Rose" - Boxcar Willie
14. "Linda On My Mind" - Conway Twitty
15. "Stand By Your Man" - Lynn Anderson
16. "In the Jailhouse Now" - Webb Pierce
17. "I'm So Lonesome I Could Cry" - Billie Jo Spears
18. "Cold Cold Heart" - Jerry Lee Lewis
19. "Girl Left Alone" - Dolly Parton
20. "Hungry for Love" - Patsy Cline
21. "Take My Hand Awhile" - Don Williams
22. "The Tennessee Waltz" - Patti Page

Running time: 53:33
49.9 MB

Download here.

and yes, "The Pill" is about birth control. how progressive is that? Enjoy.

Thanks to the venerable Paper for finding this clip on Youtube.

Thanks, Warren Ellis.

I love your site. I really do. I've mentioned it here time and time again. I don't get into some of the weirdness that you post, but it's almost always thoughtworthy, and makes me feel a little smarter most of the time. I even check out the weird sex stuff, though I'll never understand how the hell you find it.

and now, thanks to you, I've got the indelible image of a man eating his own testicle in my brain. I'm not kidding. Don't say I didn't warn you.

Please excuse me while I scratch my own eyes out with a rusty melon baller.

okay, it's pretty common knowledge that Q-tips are bad for you, and that since 1997, so has Q-Tip. Forgive me for the terrible joke. I know how bad it is, but I was certain that the Kamaal the Abstract joke I had there would've gone considerably worse.
My problem is that I like q-tips. Does anybody actually not like using them? It takes 2 seconds and you know right away whether or not you've made an improvement*. For probably close to a decade now I've known what they can do to your ear canal, but this hasn't stopped me from just using them to clean my outer ear. I don't know how dangerous that is, but damned if I'm going to stop, despite the considerable damage to my hearing that's already been done. I wish I could just move on to ear drops and be done with it. Fact is, I own and use ear drops. But I hate them. I don't like lying on my side, I don't like intentionally dripping a cold liquid into my ear canal, and I don't like using a rubber bulb thingy to flush it out with water. Yes, there isn't ONE part of that process that I like.
"Well" I can hear you saying, "do you like having good hearing, Cotton? Do you like not being deaf?"
Oh, you smug bastards. my reply to this is to shout "shut up!" and run away crying. Suck on THAT, Kreskin.

*I know this is disgusting. It absolutely is. But I look, and I'm betting that you probably do, too. or that perverse little peek into a kleenex once you've blown your nose. But let's face it, keeping track of what comes out of your body is only slightly less important than keeping track of what goes into it. But then I've been known to drip fake blood in my ears in public to play jokes on my family, so who knows what runs though my head.

Rainbow.

I've been getting more feedback on the new header than anything I've posted on here in months. Which is sort of nice. Unfortunately, it was just the first properly-shaped pic I could find and supposed to be a stopgap until I could upload one of my own pics. Eventually, it will be something that looks just as nice I hope, but for now this will hold. It is NOT the view from my pad, unfortunately, but if you put a Verizon building in the way it might not be far off.
Also, my apologies to anyone that has called me in the past few days and hasn't gotten a response. Since I get no reception in my house that means I have to talk outside. and since it's been raining for the last several days straight, well, you see where I'm going...

According to polls, Obama will never get the nomination and it doesn't matter because McCain will beat both him and Hillary. Please remember that the next time I'm ranting hysterically on how much I hate polls and the way they guide politics.

that said, the State of the Union is tonight, and I'm wondering how much $$$ I can get for the Chinese Babies I'm going to say I adopted last year. Also, I'm a veteran that works out of the home and I adopted my aircraft carrier to charity.

I'm thinking of not posting the Economist anymore, since at last check nobody cares. Let me know if that's not the case, because I don't really check those numbers often. If I did, I probably would've given up on this months ago.

just a note, I'm not posting 3 times a day now, but I am gonna make a bit more of a differentiation in my topics, so you don't have to read my bitching about politics in the same post as my bitching about the plausibility of outer space movies. So from now on I'll try to keep my bitching separate by subcategories. Because I wrote all this crap in one sitting and am pretty confused by it.

more crap

Things that have made my life better in the past coupla days:
-4 inches of rain. sorry, mudslidey people and the rest of Southern California, I'm loving this, and I dealt with having zero rain for the past 8 months so stop whining, and SERIOUSLY stop using causeways. You know those Greek myths that always result in someone enduring the same gruesome punishment day in and day out for eternity? I'm beginning to think that California might exist in that realm. How can you be surprised by wildfires and keep building in desert scrub brush? How can you possible be surprised by mudslides when you keep building on these embankments? Jesus, you people are prepared for EARTHQUAKES. Grow some initiative. (Yes, I'm now living in mythology).
-The return of Lost. To be honest, I was pretty disappointed by that last finale, but at this point what else is there, other than the 3 remaining episodes of the Wire (which I'm considering burying in the yard for a rainy day)? The dad from Malcolm in the Middle starting a meth lab? Soul-crushing Pitt Basketball? Working on the massive story I've been working out in my head for six months? yeah, right. Especially after that omega-whine I posted above, which has me questioning the validity of it altogether. Sweet doubt.
-the 12 CD Country Legends box set. It's odd that I'm listening to this. It might be because all of the Country Western songs I learned from the Blues Brothers are on it. It might be because of the Johnny Cash obsession I built up last year. But the fact that I've decided to stop drinking for a couple weeks while listening to this and gearing up for the State of the Union is nothing short of astounding. I'm kinda proud of me. I'm hoping to have a pretty solid Country mix up here in a week or so.
-Thao Nguyen and the Get Down Stay Downs. I thought I said something about this album here earlier, but I didn't. I love it. I loved her old stuff, but I love this more. Imagine if Modest Mouse was fronted by a lady, picked up Ween's 12 Country Golden Greats instead of Johnny Marr, and didn't rape people. and then make it better.
-The Writer's Strike. of course I hate it, but I'm praying to god that this results in some sort of hellstorm that sucks ALL of reality TV into some nether vortex made of fire, nails and Benny Hill.
-The very idea that Vince Vaughn went on a comedy tour and taped it. I don't give a shit how his comedy is, the very premise of this is ripe for calamity. I eagerly await a drunken Vaughn telling us how he "really feels".
-The rapid approach of commercial space travel. I can assure you I will never leave this planet's atmosphere unless forced.

Action post #11! Seriously not worth your time.

Yesterday I sat through a movie that I'd been warned about. A movie that, despite the writer and director's last collaboration being one of my favorite films of all-time, I put off in hesitation until yesterday. That film, of course, is Little Man.
But seriously, I loved 28 Days Later, despite it moving into a completely different third act that I would've headed. I even like The Beach, even though, wait, what the hell happened in the beach?A morally wounded Robert Carlyle, and DiCaprio eating frogs in a video game or some shit. Weren't they growing heroin? I seem to remember saying "I'd be taking a bunch of that heroin and offing myself out of my misery, cuz" while watching it. I dunno, I should try to give that another viewing. oh, and that UNKLE song with Richard Ashcroft.
ANYWAY.
Sunshine was probably the best looking movie I've seen in a very long time. It was fucking gorgeous. I'll chalk that up to Alwin H. Kuchler's* cinematography as much as anything else. But yeah, it started out with one of the most serially abused plots that science fiction has ever coughed up**. A crew of a spaceship is en route to shoot a thermonuclear weapon into the heart of our dying sun in hopes of re-igniting it. I guess that part's not so hackneyed, but lets look at this on simpler terms. A diverse (and brilliant) team is on a mission in an extremely remote and inaccessible part of the world when their mission gets sidetracked be the appearance of another craft either long thought disappeared or showing evidence of being there for an extremely long time.
sound familiar? It should, because it's been done to goddamned death. And while we're spared the image of Sam Neill sans derma***, there's still plenty of other tripe for you to swallow. While trying not to give away the plot for you auto masochists out there, I will say that there a a slew of completely absurd script turns that had me so bewildered by halfway through the movie that it was doomed from the beginning. Which is odd, because I like to think I'm great with suspending my disbelief (the first rule of appreciating sci-fi). I truly want to think this is possible. now am I a nitpicker. I don't count bullets in action movies and I don't look for continuity errors. and I'm certainly not a physicist. But when you have space travel depicted as being refined the way they do, nobody forgets a goddamned thing as long as it's important. Nobody displays the gross errors that take place in this movie more than once. It just don't happen.
But that's now where I'm going with this. My point is that I've seen this a hundred times, at least. and EVERY SINGLE TIME I'm excited in the beginning. As they show a spaceship going through an average boring day, I find myself genuinely interested and watching the way simple tasks are performed. I want to see where they get oxygen or what their meals are like or whatever. That's great! But then there's always some stupid shit that starts taking place as soon as they hook up with this supposedly dead ship. Thoughts become reality. The ship is possessed by the Norse god of death. Ghost poops. Whatever. There's no going back from something like that. There's no way this isn't gonna piss me off. You're already in outer space, or at the bottom of the ocean. There's no need to ratchet up the drama right now. Explore this a bit. You don't need to introduce a supernatural mystery or a god-like entity anymore. Why don't they aver get that?
I was talking with some friends about this earlier, and I was citing The Black Hole as probably the best example of this sort of plot working, and I think I may still stand by that, with apologies to The Forbidden Planet (specifically to Leslie Nielsen and the midget inside Robby the Robot)****.
The Black Hole is the first movie I can ever remember seeing, which probably has something to do with it. But everything from the design schemes to the killer robots to burial services (!) to fucking ERNEST BORGNINE IN SPACE. Seriously, how can you justify that guy being in space, EVER?***** and this isn't even going into the greater ideas that go into the film, the questions of what makes humanity and how or why someone would create a robot with the voice of Slim Pickens******. Goddamn I love that movie, and now I'm gonna have to go watch it for the first time in years. Yes, my rant is over that fast.

I am acutely aware of the frequent references to godawful science fiction movies here lately. I promise I'll try to stop. The worst part is that I haven't seen almost any of these movies in over a decade and I still remember them. I might be able to provide you with 5 or 6 facts that I learned in all of college. But I can name at LEAST 5 science fiction movies that Ernest Borgnine was in. Sweet fuck what is wrong with me? and my apologies, Ernest, for assuming you were dead.


*Strangely, the only other movie he's worked on that I've ever seen was the violently disturbing Ratcatcher, which didn't impress me much. He's working on the Wolf Man revamp next. huh.
**And that's saying something, no?
*** This isn't an indictment of Event Horizon so much as it is of Sam Neill, who I still somehow blame for John Carpenter's butchering of In the Mouth of Madness.
**** Strangely, Borgnine would appear again with Yvette Mimieux in a startlingly similar (albeit underwater-themed) movie with Walter Pidgeon from Forbidden Planet called The Neptune Factor, in which the most interesting thing is what Ben Gazzara looked like when he was young. I'll save you 98 minutes by providing you with that here. These footnotes are getting out of control. Imagine what it must by like to think this way, it's like a hamster trying to run in six different wheels. X-rays of my cranium have shown pretty much exactly that.
***** This is not the only, but probably the main reason why Laser Mission is the worst movie ever made. Man, I need a nap.
******I know, I'm more tired of them than you. But I can't question why someone would program a robot to have a thick country accent without pointing out that someone programed the downfall-of-mankind robot with a thick Austrian accent. Clearly the future hasn't lost their sense of humor. Good, we'll need it.

Congratulations on another temporary flag, Iraq.

as frustrating as the process must seem, imagine if our representatives were right now forced to pick/design a new flag for our country.

actually, that's sort of nice.

Clearly I've had my share of annoying variations on my name. Here, the history of one of them has been presented.

how do I like being called "Cotton-Eyed Joe?" Probably as much as Joe likes being called Cotton.
which is to say, much more than "Polyster", but still far less than Cotton.

ummm.....

I don't really surf around on youtube. Fact is, I barely go to that site. If you've emailed me a link in the past few years or told me to look up that fuckwit in the wig crying about Britney, I just ignored it. Sorry.
I've got no reason to ignore these. I'm sure there's a lot of great stuff. But it's been made abundantly clear to me that there's a lot of utter horseshit to wade through to find it, and I do enough of that in my other pursuits. Every once in awhile, though, I head over there when google provides me with a link to some weird cryptozoological sighting or footage of Farley and Odenkirk onstage together at Second City (though superdeluxe is much better for the comedy stuff) or, in the rare cases, footage from terrible movies I'd forgotten existed.
You see, I have a weird aversion to Fred Ward. Don't ask me why, I can't tell you. But I've never seen all but two of his movies (The Right Stuff and Naked Gun 33 1/3, neither of which I'd really cal a Fred Ward movie, but I digress). So I was kicking around the idea of forcing myself to watch a Fred Ward movie marathon. Yes, I am completely aware of how stupid and ludicrous this is.
Anyway, I could've sworn that he was in a movie that was on cable for a couple minutes in the way early 90s. I only remembered that it had giant robots and a fucking terrible name. Four minutes on google later, and I give you Robot Jox.
Even better, there was a clip on youtube:

holy shit. I'm not sure if you watched that, but it's completely absurd. Especially the ending, which almost has me weeping with glee.
I've never denied my nerdiness, even when I was old/young enough to know better. But sweet disco jesus this is some next level shit. I love that the piss-poor, filter mask-wearing peasants pay to go watch wars fought by giant robots AND THEN GET CRUSHED BY THEM. Yeah, I know. cinematic gold.
Anyways, I just totally stumbled across this and had to share. I also found a great and surprisingly interesting review here (it shut a movie studio down!) if you're actually curious about it and want to find out how it ends. It took an hour and a half less to slog through and was 3 times as funny.

yeah, I pretty much just wasted a minute or two of your life. 6-8 if you watched that clip. But oh, how I laughed.

INCIDENTALLY I also remembered Beyond the Stars, which is potentially worse than the movie above, only with an infinitely better cast. Fucking HBO. My adolescence was ruined by you and your shitball movies like these, and Just One of the Guys, and Cadence (Martin Sheen = asshole dad again!). the near pedophilic Blame It On Rio, Killer Klowns from Outer Space and goddamned Diving In and Blown Away (okay, I did watch that way more than I should've just to see Nicole Eggert's tits), Warlock, the horse-raping Rock n' Roll High School Forever and the turd with the Baloosh and those stupid kids in the solar-powered car, and My Bodyguard and Corvette Summer and Caddyshack II and Lonely Hearts... fucking Lonely Hearts. Okay, pretty much any movie starring Eric Roberts, Michael Paré, Dolph Lundgren, Don "The Dragon" Wilson, Steven Seagal, Jean-Claude Van-Damme, Jeff Speakman, Matt Adler, Leo Rossi... these were all instrumental in forming the mental defective whose screeds you see here. I love The Wire. It's without question the best written show on television. It joins Mr. Show, Deadwood and Six Feet Under in my favorite shows of all time. Lucky Louie, Curb, Carnivale, Extras, Not Necessarily the News, Oz, the Sopranos... these are all great shows. I've devoted hours and hours to watching (and in the cases of the first few, rewatching) the cream of your original content crop.

But if and when you sue me for hundreds of thousands of dollars for downloading the season finale of last season's Curb Your Enthusiasm, I'm going to walk into that courtroom and slam down a list of the most ridiculous, insulting, corrosive torrent of movies that have ever been wrought upon this world. They'll be all "You know what happened to Richard Lewis for free!" and I'll stand up, adjust my tie, and say "You ruined The Toy for me!" murmurs would spread through the courtroom. and I'd continue: "I saw Summer School 250 times". This time a gasp. and then, then, my friends, I'll call out. "The Worst Witch, you sadistic bastards". full-scale pandemonium would break out. The DA would spontaneously burst into flames. The Judge would instantly go insane and the jury would lapse into an orgy without skipping a beat. All because you wanted to scare scare some dumbass teen straight. Are you ready to go that distance, HBO? I'll blow the fucking lid off your whole operation. So go ahead and try me. and I will call down the thunder!
So let's keep this civil, HBO. It's in your hands.

PS this is probably the most embarrassing thing I've ever seen, let alone wrote.

Things I've appreciated in the past week:
-The way Albert King wrings notes out of his Flying V
-Liz Lemon saying "blurg" in "30 Rock"
-the lizard I probably killed by "setting free" of the window sill I found it in on Saturday
-The life-sized cutout of Tommy "Tiny" Lister in the BBQ place we found yesterday. Apparently he endorses them.
-Pixar's For the Birds
-finding out that my sister has a blog that she sent everyone in my family (including my wife) a link to but me.
-Earl Hooker just being his own bad self
-Judd Winick's Green Arrow/Black Canary, #4. Watching Oliver Queen, who has become one of my favorite characters in recent memory, fall apart at the loss of his only son, then force himself to let his friends help him take care of things. It's hard to explain, but it was spectacularly done.
-The E Street Band, circa 1976-79, Holy shit. HOLY SHIT.
-City desk editor Gus Haynes in the final season of The Wire. I'm just sad they didn't introduce his character sooner.
-Re-listening to the Replacements compilation All for Nothing/Nothing for All. I got the recent "oral history" of the 'Mats, and I'm just excited to start reading it.
-Watching four crows gang up on a Cooper's Hawk while at the park throwing a frisbee around. It was almost painful to watch as they dove and pecked at his head, but he persevered and eventually the crows gave up in search of an easier meal. Less than a half mile away, there was a vintage air show. P-47s and P-51s were looping around, cutting their engines midair and going on mock strafing runs, while we stood completely still, holding the disc at my side, staring straight up into the sky at some birds.
-An Apricot Pinwheel at Some Crust
-Rube goldberg machines at Oobject. made my week.

Here's your mind-blowingly disturbing Halliburton news of the day.

China to join the Saudis in buying up our country's personal debts, since they're already in control of much of our national debt. great. America to get job peeing in own Coke.

This is suspect. right?

The Economist 1/12 - 1/18

new mix

Croatoan
1. "There's Boys at our school who ain't heard anybody like that..."
2. "Beat (Health, Life and Fired)" - Thao Nguyen & the Get Down Stay Downs
3. Drive Me Crazy" - The Penetrators
4. "Tom Hark" - Elias and his Zig-Zag Jive Flutes
5. "Sober Driver" - Dengue Fever
6. "Snatching It Back" - Clarence Carter
7. "Ballad of My Friends" - Zookeeper
8. "Although when I lived in California for a year..."
9. "San Bernardino" - Mountain Goats
10. "Pink Mammoth" - Pelican
11. "Don't Stay Away" - Phyllis Dillon
12. "Violator" - White Williams
13. "I'm Too Tough (For Mr. Big Stuff)" - Vicki Anderson
14. "When She Comes" - Dr. Hook & the Medicine Show
15. "A yellowish color eye..."
16. "In the Crown of Lost Light" - Old Time Relijun
17. "Heavy Reggae (Johnny Reggae)" - Roosevelt Singers
18. "Pomona" - Radar Brothers
19. "What Needs Must Be" - Dead Meadow
20. "Short Life of Trouble" - Emry Arthur
21. "One day last year..."

1:00:37

here

I completely forgot how much I love Futurama.

The Economist, 1/5/08

Major Andrew Olmsted,

R.I.P.

I was just thinking to myself that I hope I make it back home before my mother moves, so that she doesn't have to go through the stacks of books, old love letters, high school journals, and fifteen years' worth of music magazines. I was thinking that I'd rather be the one to go through these things, separate what I want from them, and burn the rest in a field somewhere. and then it hit me.

I don't even know where a field is anymore back home. I mean, I can think of some places, but the fields that I spent a sizable portion of my adolescence burning shit it are no longer in existence. Gone are the locations of several dozen bottle rocket wars, choked-down cigarettes, pyromaniacal episodes, and subsequent threats to take us to the burn ward. All gone. huh. Guess I'll just have to recycle that stuff.

Theme Time Radio Hour Ep. 14: The Devil

2008 is here

It's 2008. Wheeee.

I can honestly say that it was the most uneventful (and sober!) New Year's Eve that I can recall ever having. There's not really much to go into about it, but having my mother tell me repeatedly how need to make friends in California didn't make it any more entertaining. In all, though, it wasn't that bad a night, considering I refuse to go to bars on holidays anymore and I wasn't in Hollywood. So there's that. I hope you all had a lovely night and partook in whatever traditions that you have. Unless that tradition is murdering me.

Anyway, what I really wanted to get down to is that I had myself a movie marathon last weekend. The theme was car chases. You could say that it was pretty much an excuse for me to drink bourbon and stay up all night watching road movies, and you might not be wrong. But it was a lot of fun, and I'm seriously considering doing this every other month or so. Is this ridiculous, especially when I'm the only one watching them? Maybe I should start taking notes of these as they happen so that I can preserve them for posterity*. or maybe should just not do them. Thoughts? In any case, the movie lineup went something like:

Duel
Two-Lane Blacktop
Ronin
Convoy
Bullitt
the Road Warrior
Vanishing Point
Cannonball Run (not watched)

My grounds were basically that they couldn't be movies I've seen in the last year (except The Road Warrior, which I could watch on a loop for years and never get sick of) and no more than one by the same director.

In retrospect, I shouldn't have included Ronin. I remembered there being far more car chases in that movie and found myself thrown way off while I was viewing it. I should've kept these within a certain time frame or something, because even the filmmaking was baffling at that point. Someone suggested Death Proof, which would've been great if I only watched the 2 car chases in it. Otherwise, it just would've pissed me off. Anyways, in all it was a great time and I recommend it to everyone. If you've got a good idea for a theme, let me know. right now I'm considering now include:

-unintentional horror movies.
-foreign zombie movies
-summer camp (horror and non-horror) movies
-con/grift movies
-Jimmy Stewart is Sincere
-the worst war movies
-Samuel L. Jackson is Overacting
-filthy Westerns
-the Harry Dean Stanton memorial retrospective
-Wes Anderson Owes Me Money
-movies that take a religious metaphor waaaay too far

obviously, the more likely a movie is to not put me to sleep, the better. so yeah, if you got any recommendations don't be shy with them.

Anyway, there's plenty I could waste our time discussing here, but instead I'm going to go read more crap about Iowa and then go to sleep out of fear.

I did want to say I had a nice trip home, however short, and I'm sorry I didn't get a chance to meet up with about 75% of the people I said I would. I won't really go into it here, but there was a lot going on and there were people that needed me. I hope you understand and accept my apologies. I owe you.

oh, and while we're all still giddy with the fresh year, The NYT ran a pretty good editorial, even if it forgets how much of a direct role they played in many of the issues they name.

*a friend suggested live blogging this. My concern was that I wouldn't really get a chance to see much of the movies and that it would inevitably turn into a drunken tirade that my family would read, which I'm not all that keen on. But then when has that ever stopped me?