Thursday, January 17, 2008



I don't really surf around on youtube. Fact is, I barely go to that site. If you've emailed me a link in the past few years or told me to look up that fuckwit in the wig crying about Britney, I just ignored it. Sorry.
I've got no reason to ignore these. I'm sure there's a lot of great stuff. But it's been made abundantly clear to me that there's a lot of utter horseshit to wade through to find it, and I do enough of that in my other pursuits. Every once in awhile, though, I head over there when google provides me with a link to some weird cryptozoological sighting or footage of Farley and Odenkirk onstage together at Second City (though superdeluxe is much better for the comedy stuff) or, in the rare cases, footage from terrible movies I'd forgotten existed.
You see, I have a weird aversion to Fred Ward. Don't ask me why, I can't tell you. But I've never seen all but two of his movies (The Right Stuff and Naked Gun 33 1/3, neither of which I'd really cal a Fred Ward movie, but I digress). So I was kicking around the idea of forcing myself to watch a Fred Ward movie marathon. Yes, I am completely aware of how stupid and ludicrous this is.
Anyway, I could've sworn that he was in a movie that was on cable for a couple minutes in the way early 90s. I only remembered that it had giant robots and a fucking terrible name. Four minutes on google later, and I give you Robot Jox.
Even better, there was a clip on youtube:

holy shit. I'm not sure if you watched that, but it's completely absurd. Especially the ending, which almost has me weeping with glee.
I've never denied my nerdiness, even when I was old/young enough to know better. But sweet disco jesus this is some next level shit. I love that the piss-poor, filter mask-wearing peasants pay to go watch wars fought by giant robots AND THEN GET CRUSHED BY THEM. Yeah, I know. cinematic gold.
Anyways, I just totally stumbled across this and had to share. I also found a great and surprisingly interesting review here (it shut a movie studio down!) if you're actually curious about it and want to find out how it ends. It took an hour and a half less to slog through and was 3 times as funny.

yeah, I pretty much just wasted a minute or two of your life. 6-8 if you watched that clip. But oh, how I laughed.

INCIDENTALLY I also remembered Beyond the Stars, which is potentially worse than the movie above, only with an infinitely better cast. Fucking HBO. My adolescence was ruined by you and your shitball movies like these, and Just One of the Guys, and Cadence (Martin Sheen = asshole dad again!). the near pedophilic Blame It On Rio, Killer Klowns from Outer Space and goddamned Diving In and Blown Away (okay, I did watch that way more than I should've just to see Nicole Eggert's tits), Warlock, the horse-raping Rock n' Roll High School Forever and the turd with the Baloosh and those stupid kids in the solar-powered car, and My Bodyguard and Corvette Summer and Caddyshack II and Lonely Hearts... fucking Lonely Hearts. Okay, pretty much any movie starring Eric Roberts, Michael Paré, Dolph Lundgren, Don "The Dragon" Wilson, Steven Seagal, Jean-Claude Van-Damme, Jeff Speakman, Matt Adler, Leo Rossi... these were all instrumental in forming the mental defective whose screeds you see here. I love The Wire. It's without question the best written show on television. It joins Mr. Show, Deadwood and Six Feet Under in my favorite shows of all time. Lucky Louie, Curb, Carnivale, Extras, Not Necessarily the News, Oz, the Sopranos... these are all great shows. I've devoted hours and hours to watching (and in the cases of the first few, rewatching) the cream of your original content crop.

But if and when you sue me for hundreds of thousands of dollars for downloading the season finale of last season's Curb Your Enthusiasm, I'm going to walk into that courtroom and slam down a list of the most ridiculous, insulting, corrosive torrent of movies that have ever been wrought upon this world. They'll be all "You know what happened to Richard Lewis for free!" and I'll stand up, adjust my tie, and say "You ruined The Toy for me!" murmurs would spread through the courtroom. and I'd continue: "I saw Summer School 250 times". This time a gasp. and then, then, my friends, I'll call out. "The Worst Witch, you sadistic bastards". full-scale pandemonium would break out. The DA would spontaneously burst into flames. The Judge would instantly go insane and the jury would lapse into an orgy without skipping a beat. All because you wanted to scare scare some dumbass teen straight. Are you ready to go that distance, HBO? I'll blow the fucking lid off your whole operation. So go ahead and try me. and I will call down the thunder!
So let's keep this civil, HBO. It's in your hands.

PS this is probably the most embarrassing thing I've ever seen, let alone wrote.

3 comments:

David Goodman said...

love me so Summer School

joeykey said...

hey remember Nice Girls Don't Explode?

Anonymous said...

hilarious (not sarcastic) Your court scene is much funier (than the not so funny) sienfled finale