Tuesday, May 29, 2007

In the name of glory, filth, and fame

My god, it took exactly 4.5 hours after returning from my 3 day weekend to be bouncing my head off the top of my desk in frustration. So yeah, I'm not gonna get into that. Needless to say, it was pretty cool to find out that we're all in much deeper debt than I thought.
I've always had some issues with Will Oldham. Much like the (admittedly much later) works of Jason Molina and Sam Beam, they all put out like four albums every season and I get pretty bored with most of their work. But then, as I'm nodding off on one of their works I'll get totally blasted awake by a song that utterly amazes me. Here's a couple that do that. "Work Hard/Play Hard" was pretty much the perfect song of my weekend, and "New Partner" made me love again a phrase that Willie Nelson ruined for me almost twenty years ago. Well done, sir.

"More Brother Rides" - Palace Music

"Work Hard/Play Hard" - Palace Music
"New Partner" - Palace Music

Buy Viva Last Blues here

Sorry I haven't got much more to say this evening, but it's been that crappy a day. But go vote for the new 7 Wonders of the World. Sure, they don't really compete with the Ancient ones, but you can at least help make sure none of the stupid ones get picked.
holy shit.

I'll post something later, assuming I'm not up until 3:45 reading again. Oh god, I really hope I am not. really.

Thursday, May 24, 2007

How many times do I have to read an article like this?

Greg Palast has filed hundreds of articles just like this, explicitly describing these types of crimes (and providing PROOF of them) that are virtually ignored in the American Press, despite sterling fact-checking and reporting. What the hell is that all about? While it's hardly the best source of news, I trust the BBC a hundred times more than any of the news services in this country. If they can accept this and print it without fear if reprisal, it's good enough for me to accept.

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

Lost tonight

3 attempts at suicide (1 successful), 14(?) murders, finding out that they get off the island (eventually), and that Jack truly comes to regret it in the end.

and I'm supposed to go through 3 more seasons of this? For fuck's sake.

Pepper


I've been laughing pretty consistenly at this picture for the past like 3 weeks. and I don't even like cats. This shit cracks me up though. I was going to say something about how batshit some people are for starting websites from the narrative of their pets, but then here I am writing about it, so who am I to point a meat-themed digit?

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

From the desk of...


I know I don't really like to post stuff I'm working on, partly because it's usually still being written, and largely because I never fucking finish everything. I've had these 2 things sitting on my desktop for about a month now, though and I realize I have no intention of finishing them at all.
the first is just a scene I thought was really funny, and the second is a fictional history of the bend the Polyphonic Spree, who I have a combined loathing and admiration for. It's probably the meanest thing I've ever committed to paper, and I've omitted 6 or 7 "band members" because I found they were really that bad for print, but maybe I'll post them on here later if I don't get sued.

Man checking a pet carrier at the airline terminal:

Agent: Sir, your small daughter is in this cage!

Man: No, no, the cat’s in there, too.

Agent: But, you’re child is in there with it.

Man: Well, waddya want? The cat won’t get in the cage without the kid, and the kid won’t fly without the cat.

Agent: Sir, the flight is six hours long, that can’t be good for-

Man: no, I put a pillow and some juice boxes in there, she’ll be fine.

Agent: but she could be crushed!

Man: Trust me, if anyone’s in danger of being crushed, it’s the cat.

Agent: sir, I will personally pay for your daughter’s plane ticket if you let her have a seat.

Man: Are you listening? She won’t fly without the cat! Can the cat also have a seat? While we’re on it, can I fly first class? I might be in danger of getting crushed, too!

Agent: Sir, there’s no need for being sarcastic, I’m just concerned for your daughter’s safety

Man: well, then you probably shouldn’t let her on the goddamned plane to begin with


A FICTIONAL History of the Polyphonic Spree

The Polyphonic Spree was formed by Tim DeLaughter when his previous band –Dallas psychedelic-popsters Tripping Daisy- were killed off by a batch of tainted heroin. DeLaughter, who happened to be too drunk to inject the heroin that night, was initially crushed with grief, but eventually recovered, developing a god-like complex in the wake of his being spared.

As his recognizable talent and ego grew, DeLaughter began recruiting members of his new band, tentatively called “The Beach Boys”, but later changed to “The Polyphonic Spree” when it was realized there was an existing group bearing that name. “The Spree” as they were called by insiders, quickly swelled in numbers as DeLaughter drafted friends, local children, and former prostitutes into the ranks. Once established, robes were given out to the band members, each color coded depending on their sexual proximity to DeLaughter. After a heady night of watching the film “Jesus Christ Superstar”, shiny metal helmets were also given out, though quickly abandoned because of their lack of hiding places for contraband. The film remained on DeLaughter’s mind, though, as he decided to theme the band’s debut album on the messages of peace and love spread by Deep Purple’s Ian Gillan throughout the album. Despite initial trouble finding a recording studio, the band finally decided to create their own studio, using pieces of Howard Hughes “Spruce Goose” and various whale tanks stolen from Sea World locations.

The album was released as a critical smash, drawing interest in several film and advertising tie-ins. Despite the great revenue enjoyed by DeLaughter, however, band members were still forced to earn their paychecks by performing petty tasks for DeLaughter as well as performing side gigs under the misleading name [sic] “The Polyphonic Spre√©

After a much-praised world tour, DeLaughter isolated himself from his bandmates, securing his position as a local deity even further and making a name for himself as a talented scrivener. After a drug-induced viewing of the film version of Pink Floyd’s “The Wall” movie, he reinvented himself as a tyrannical dictator, writing new songs bent on world domination and the gradual abolishment of broccoli farming.

Roused to record a new album, DeLaughter called together his band and promptly fired most of them before recruiting a new band “from here and there” and issuing them black uniforms reminiscent of popular hate groups. The band recorded The Fragile Army and is currently touring in support of it. The current lineup includes:

Piano, Vocals, guitar: Tim DeLaughter

Handclaps: Sen. Maria Cantwell, who woke up once on a tour bus belonging to the band and has yet to resume her senatorial duties in California.

Floor Tom: Sparky, a dog found wandering the streets of Dallas with a dead crow in his mouth, which was perceived as “a sign”

Bass guitar: Dan “Sober Dan” Erikson, former touring guitarist for Jimmy Buffett, who was paralyzed from the waist down when a giant stage prop Margarita tipped on him and crushed his legs. When Buffett, who is notorious for his impatience with the handicapped, kicked him out of his band, he was welcomed with opened arms into “the Spree”, who had already installed ramps on their touring vehicles for the lazier group members who employ Rascals.

Theremin: Anthony “Spanish Tony” Mbtumbe, Former drug dealer to Tripping Daisy and the most frequently mentioned suspect of the “hot shot incident”. It is unknown whether DeLaughter knew of his Theremin ambitions before inviting him into the band.

Lead Guitar: Joseph “King” Thompson, who is called “King” on account of his attempt to murder the king of Norway, and not for his legendary collection of Elvis Presley memorabilia. He has been implicated in over eleven cases of regicide.

Rhythm guitar: Dana “Barros” McKinley, a former girlfriend of DeLaughter’s, known for her once having vomited up a live salamander.

Electronics: Thomas “Dutch Oven” Stotch, a former paramilitary leader who has since applied his fervent hatred of the homeless electronics and synthesizers.

French Horn: Al Kooper

Accordian: Dennis “The Real King of the HoboesQuercetti, a Vietnam veteran and rail-rider who, despite repeated beatings from Thomas Stotch, remains a popular father figure and storyteller to the band.

The remaining 24 members of the band are comprised of DeLaughter’s five families, who were kept hidden from each other until the release of the the second album, whereupon they were brought forth from their respective bungalow’s in the San Fernando Valley and quickly put to work engineering the album and filling out empty slots on the roster.


so, aside from that, the Gizmos are a proto-punk/garage band from Bloomington, IN in the mid-to-late 70s. I think they sound exactly like a combination of Menster Phip and the Dictators*, which is to say, loud, sloppy, and immature. and mention Lou Reed a lot. I've got a thing for self-referential songs, especially when they describe the formation of a band. these songs have misspellings, false starts, sarcastic warnings, and endless references to teenage sex. so yeah, they're pretty great.

"Balled of the Gizmos" - The Gizmos

"Gizmos World Tour" - The Gizmos

"Pumpin' to Playboy" - The Gizmos

this might be out of print, because I can't find it anywhere, but if can find a copy I'd recommend buying it. or emailing me for the rest of the album.

*I know how pretentious it is to namecheck a somewhat-known Ramones precursor and another band that sold eleven copies in their existence -three to me- but if I said they sound like the Stooges, I'd have people pissed off at me, and I've got enough to worry with a 27 member band on my ass.

and lastly, China IS THE FUCKING SCARIEST PLACE ON EARTH. STOP BLAMING THE DALAI LAMA FOR YOUR SHIT. STOP GIVING US AN EXCUSE TO MAKE SHIT WORSE IN AFRICA, and most importantly, STOP HARVESTING ORGANS FROM YOUR POLITICAL PRISONERS YOU FUCKING PSYCHOS

Thursday, May 17, 2007

I feel like kind of an ass because since I started this thing as an outlet to force me to write more and listen to new music, and I can never seem to get both of them done. Instead I whine about politics and opine on whatever bizarre crap I happen to be looking at at the time. And for that I apologize. I keep getting told by 2 people that they can never find this page, because of the name and address, so I'm thinking about moving it somewhere that's a bit more conspicuous, which I can't believe I even just typed. But yeah we'll see. which means "absolutely nothing will be done about this."

Anyway, for the third and fourth songs I''m posting this month (as soon as this season of TV's GOLDEN AGE* is finished, I'm gonna have a lot more time to catch up music and this page in particular, I promise to you), are from a Dischord band, just like the last song I posted. Which makes me pretty fucking lazy** Anyways, the band Antelope sounds like a lot of other Dischord bands, which you can take as wither a good or a bad thing. what's with that, anyway? Does Ian Mackaye just have like a macro or something he uses in the studio? Anyway, I've listened to this album for the past 2 days and am loving it.

"Reflector" - Antelope
"Wandering Ghost" - Antelope
Buy Reflector here for a paltry $10

and because of Key's bad self,
"P.S.Y." - the Butthole Surfers
buy Pioughd here, also for cheap (WHO FINDS YOU BARGAINS!!!???)

* I can't find the article I found that basically stated that consensus is fucked and that we are truly going through televisions real golden age is happening now -which I totally agree with. Ask me to expound on that later.
**actually, according to the lady customer in the BBQ place next door to my work, buying a quart of potato salad makes me "pretty goddamned lazy", but seriously, they make it really, really well. I can' help it.

quickies:

John Warner saying "I'm on it like a June bug" is just plain fucking great.

Some good dirt from the Justice Department

Jenna Fischer broke her back. Because I am totally in love with her, and because she seems like a pretty great all-around gal, I wish her a quick and full recovery.

Clear Channel put up another "alt.rock" station in Philly. fuck them and the horse they rode in on.

I am carless and wifeless at the moment, so tomorrow night I'm going to the bar alone to watch some playoff basketball. Does this have any appeal to anyone? Call me. Together, we can make this happen.

coming soon: the New Sincerity

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

The Hand of Glory



So, I'm sort of obsessed with relics right now, specifically Catholic ones. Now, I'm not Catholic, and my views on organized religion are tenuous at best, but still I just find myself fascinated with the traditions and customs of religions, and Catholicism totally has some of the coolest of them. I read in a Catholic wedding over this past weekend and at the last minute found out that I had some extra responsibility:
Church lady: "Since you'll be reading first, it'll be your job to carry in the gospel"
Me: "um....I got the spirit?" (this was not me being facetious)
Church lady: "Just remember to be serious. This is the word of our lord"
Me: "Wait, what am I doing?"
Church lady: "You'll be entering the church behind the bearer of the crucifix, and carrying the Word"
Me: "....the bible?
Church lady: (clearly giving up): "yes."
Me: "How high do I carry it? chest level?"
Church lady: "higher. Like above your head".
Me: "Really? ...for how long?"

I really wasn't comfortable with this. Not because of my own beliefs or anything like that, but because I really don't want to seem disrespectful to any religion that wasn't made up by a power-mad science fiction writer. So I was truly just trying to get it right.
But it got me thinking about relics and just the whole notion of a revered man's skull protecting a church, or a dead bishop's toenail acting as a talisman to ward off evil. I mean, that's pretty awesome.
and the devious history! Like any semi-legal and impossible-to-trace black market goods, the world of unofficial church memorabilia is awash with fakes, frauds, and impostors. There were up to 18 different specimens of Jesus' foreskin floating around, depending on who you ask. Joan of Arc's bones turned out to be a housecat. Go ahead and try ad counting the pieces of the true cross (I have 12).
But my favorite of the stories I've read in the past couple of days is the case of St. Nicholas' fingers, which were stolen to Italy in the night to protect them from an approaching Muslim army*. Yeah, so the next time you talk to your kids about Santy, remember to note that his fingers are hundreds of miles away from the rest of his also scattered remains. Oh and apparently his bones sweat Manna.
So, in a pretty creepy rash decision I've decided that as we make our way across the country this summer, I wanna go relic hunting. I can't even begin to describe how shocked I am to find out that I spent 5 years living down the street from the largest single collection of relics outside of the Vatican. Oh, but I shall see it. St. Mary's Academy's collection in Kansas? I SHALL SEE IT. St. John Neumann's preserved remains in...Northern Liberties? DONE. I even got a checklist. Weird and morbid and probably not even real. Life is beautiful.

The more I think about this though the more I'm coming to the conclusion that the idea of relics is still very much alive. We still have Lenin and Walt Disney and Mao. We have Madonna's fictional pap smear and I'll bet you there's some sick fuck out there trying to pawn off Curt Cobain's dried anus or some shit. No, they don't protect us from demons, or create sanctuary around a town. But they provide peace of mind for someone, and I guess that's all they ever really did to begin with. In a way, I would guess this makes Cynthia Plaster Caster a new apostle.

some music in an hour or so after I watch Lost.

*Which begs a much larger question; Namely, how did a Turkish priest become the patron saint for Russia and the poster boy for American cola/consumerism?

Tuesday, May 15, 2007



I don't even know where to start on the past couple of days. As it stands I'm pretty narcoleptic and spent. I'm trying type this out and catch the end of heroes and I'm falling asleep at both. Tomorrow I'm gonna make a post bout Santa Claus's fingers, the healing properties of cayenne honey, and the question of whether to see 28 Weeks later, but for now you can bask in the lovely vision of Jerry Falwell being drawn and quartered by teams of unbaptized babies in the afterlife.

Wednesday, May 09, 2007

Posada Carriles

I live in a country that resides on such an aggressive line for stopping terrorism that its government has taken it upon themselves to abducting people from all over the globe and jailing them. We jail them for indefinite periods of time and torture them because some other bad source said they were terrorists. This is a sketchy (and to me, intolerable) practice, but I can at least grasp the rationale behind it: pore-emptive lockup. But today we let a man go who all but admitted to the New York Times that he was behind an airline bombing that killed 73 people, and has been linked number of hotels and nightclub bombings. We let him go (he was on trial not for terrorism, but immigration charges) because the judge felt his rights were violated by the agents interviewing him. So we just let an avowed terrorist go live the rest of his life in Miami because a)he was bombing pro-Castro Cubans, b)we trained him how to do it, or c) because we a prosecutive force are completely inept and inconsistent. Oh, and because it would totally piss off Venezuela and Cuba. Thanks for the double standard.

Monday, May 07, 2007

I wanted to start bitching about Iraq and why everyone just needs to shut the fuck up, but then I got to the devastating story of the 17 year old girl that was stoned to death in Iraq last month. There's any number of things that bother me about this story (that some of the angry mob were Iraqi police, that she was crying for help throughout, that it happened at fucking all), but what I can't keep helping but think is how far apart our cultures are, and that all the democracy or stability or whatever we're trying to cram down their throats in the world isn't going to change the place that we're coming from very, very different places. this is sickening and I can't even imagine what this poor girls family must be going through. The world just gets scarier and scarier and I can't just help but think some progress is due.

oh and River, the author of the incredible Baghdad Burning, has moved from Iraq, pretty much removing the only voice coming out of that country that I can trust. I wish her the best.

Sunday, May 06, 2007

Bad idea Jeans and some horror movie staples


As I type this, it is 3:42 in the morning and I just started watching Friday the 13th, Part 2 without any warning or reason. I think it might be because I'm not drunk enough to fall asleep and I'm not awake enough to get anything written. I find myself astonished, though, with the term "frightened retard" being applied to Jason, as well as the b-horror staples that run through this movie:
-The kid with the hat and/or wacky hair. To be fair, I'd say the zenith of ridiculous horror movies with little to no production values was in the late 70s/early 80s; when pretty much everyone had wacky hair. But he's got that "I'ma tell some jokes!" vibe going and you know in your gut that he will be a wacky funster. also, that his jokes will tire in seconds and he will die a terrible death 45 minutes into the film.
-The guy in the wheelchair! I feel like people in wheelchairs are well represented in the genre, which is nice. But at a summer camp? I went to a summer camp 10 years and I honestly can't think of much that anyone in a wheelchair would want to do, let alone attend a summer camp for. I mean, macramé is fun and all, but for weeks at a time?*
-a character (often one that lives through the movie) stumbling onto the killer's hiding spot for all the bodies. Sometimes, they've been arranged so that if someone opens a closet door the stiff just falls through right on to them. If you're really lucky, this can happen 3-4 times in a row and it's almost like a fun ride. Extra points for every second they're pinned down by multiple bodies on a urine-soaked dirt floor.
-the chick with the slammin' body that will probably sleep with/die before the aforementioned jokester.
-the complete lack of children. Isn't this a summer camp? Why are there never kids at these camps? Probably because no fucking parent in their right mind is going to send their kids to "Camp Blood".
-the knife-cam shot. Last seen in the first Halloween movie. You know, to get the knife's point of view.

Anyway, it's now a day and a half later and I've been google image-searching for the past hour at work, so I gotta go. This song is from the Dischord box set, which you should already own.

"People are Wrong" - Severin

Buy 20 Years of Dischord here

I do just want to point out just how creepy Jason looked before they had his head shaved and put in a hockey mask for the third movie:

YOWZAH! This is definitive proof that long hair and a bear makes EVERYTHING creepier. and overalls. In fact, especially overalls.


* upon further thinking, there was also a kid in a wheelchair at a summer camp in Meatballs II**, as depressing as it it that I know this. He's still nowhere near as the serial killer in Hellroller. That's right. Look it up.
**IMDB lists the kid in Meatballs II as Tommy 'Wheelchair' McVee. Are you fucking kidding me? Why not call him Tommy "Can't run" McVee? Assholes! Even the D&D nerd from Nightmare on Elm Street 3 didn't have that kind of hassle***.
***I just realized that my previous comments might appear insensitive to someone in a wheelchair. I can assure you that this is not the case, as I'm the most rabid enforcer of handicapped parking you've ever seen. and I still stand by "Downs Syndrome doesn't get you a better spot unless you have more than two in the car" rule. In any case, I apologize, not harm meant.

Tuesday, May 01, 2007

Link to a link

"What the hell is wrong with these people?"


My ipod appears to be fucked up again. I couldn't tell you how I've had this happen to me so many times, but I'm reasonably sure I can work around it for the time being. Anyway, what the hell is up with the Dems?
House Democrats are beginning to coalesce around a $19 billion bill -- enough to fund the war for about 60 days -- without any withdrawal dates, according to aides. The measure would include additional funds for military health care; new standards for resting, training and equipping troops before deployment; and prohibitions on torture and permanent bases in Iraq. Benchmarks would be included, but with no punishments for failing to meet them

While I applaud them for trying new measures to reach a sort of compromise, what the fuck is wrong with these people? These non-binding resolutions and pointless benchmarks have done jackfuckingshit. We should pass a "Please be kind, rewind" ordinance for the Anbar province while we're making up shit useless crap. The "No outside food or drink" doctrine of '07 has a pretty good shot of making it through also. Why are they still playing like they're behind here? Fuck it, let Bush veto everything under the goddamn sun if he wants to, he can't do shit until you give him that money. These idiots are more concerned with appearing to support our troops than actually getting them out of needless harm's way.
and you'd think that'd be enough to keep my steady ire at the Dems up for their day, but the hit parade kept on coming...

The Senate's No. 2 Democrat says he knew that the American public was being misled into the Iraq war but remained silent because he was sworn to secrecy as a member of the intelligence committee.

What the fuck? Are you really gonna roll this out now? and is the Washington Times really the only paper reporting this? You admitted this on THE SENATE FLOOR and still the only people to report it is that fucking rag the Washington Times? The thing is, I like Durbin. I was actually pretty excited when he was made the majority whip and I still think he's better than most, but what an ass. You knew that we were lied into the war as a member of the intel committee -a majority member- and you sat on that shit until over 3 thousand of your countrymen were dead because of it? Secrecy my ass. Treason if you do, and treason if you don't, huh Dick?

What a good week we've had, with Bush's AIDS czar resigning over a hooker scandal, Condi's top human rights advisor resigning, Bush's "wartime progress" and "decrease in terrorism" both being completely debunked... but no. Every time the GOP slides a bit, the Dems just can't enjoy it without doing something completely retarded like this.

oh, and Murray Waas write a great article yesterday morning about just how wrapped up in the scandal these Gonzalez aides are. Definitely a worthy read here.

I just got home a few hours after writing most of this to like 9 different types of shit, none of it I want to get into here. But I need to get off this thing before finishing because I want to take a shower and listen to to calm me down and then read the entire run of We3. and basically ignore some mail.

Made Out Of Babies is from New York and have a pretty awesome name. They are loud and kind of abrasive and Albinified, so yeah it's just about right for me.

"Silverback" - Made Out Of Babies

"Mr. Prison Shank" - Made Out Of Babies

Buy Coward here

Jen Kirkman's homeless people are gone!