From the desk of...

I know I don't really like to post stuff I'm working on, partly because it's usually still being written, and largely because I never fucking finish everything. I've had these 2 things sitting on my desktop for about a month now, though and I realize I have no intention of finishing them at all.
the first is just a scene I thought was really funny, and the second is a fictional history of the bend the Polyphonic Spree, who I have a combined loathing and admiration for. It's probably the meanest thing I've ever committed to paper, and I've omitted 6 or 7 "band members" because I found they were really that bad for print, but maybe I'll post them on here later if I don't get sued.

Man checking a pet carrier at the airline terminal:

Agent: Sir, your small daughter is in this cage!

Man: No, no, the cat’s in there, too.

Agent: But, you’re child is in there with it.

Man: Well, waddya want? The cat won’t get in the cage without the kid, and the kid won’t fly without the cat.

Agent: Sir, the flight is six hours long, that can’t be good for-

Man: no, I put a pillow and some juice boxes in there, she’ll be fine.

Agent: but she could be crushed!

Man: Trust me, if anyone’s in danger of being crushed, it’s the cat.

Agent: sir, I will personally pay for your daughter’s plane ticket if you let her have a seat.

Man: Are you listening? She won’t fly without the cat! Can the cat also have a seat? While we’re on it, can I fly first class? I might be in danger of getting crushed, too!

Agent: Sir, there’s no need for being sarcastic, I’m just concerned for your daughter’s safety

Man: well, then you probably shouldn’t let her on the goddamned plane to begin with

A FICTIONAL History of the Polyphonic Spree

The Polyphonic Spree was formed by Tim DeLaughter when his previous band –Dallas psychedelic-popsters Tripping Daisy- were killed off by a batch of tainted heroin. DeLaughter, who happened to be too drunk to inject the heroin that night, was initially crushed with grief, but eventually recovered, developing a god-like complex in the wake of his being spared.

As his recognizable talent and ego grew, DeLaughter began recruiting members of his new band, tentatively called “The Beach Boys”, but later changed to “The Polyphonic Spree” when it was realized there was an existing group bearing that name. “The Spree” as they were called by insiders, quickly swelled in numbers as DeLaughter drafted friends, local children, and former prostitutes into the ranks. Once established, robes were given out to the band members, each color coded depending on their sexual proximity to DeLaughter. After a heady night of watching the film “Jesus Christ Superstar”, shiny metal helmets were also given out, though quickly abandoned because of their lack of hiding places for contraband. The film remained on DeLaughter’s mind, though, as he decided to theme the band’s debut album on the messages of peace and love spread by Deep Purple’s Ian Gillan throughout the album. Despite initial trouble finding a recording studio, the band finally decided to create their own studio, using pieces of Howard Hughes “Spruce Goose” and various whale tanks stolen from Sea World locations.

The album was released as a critical smash, drawing interest in several film and advertising tie-ins. Despite the great revenue enjoyed by DeLaughter, however, band members were still forced to earn their paychecks by performing petty tasks for DeLaughter as well as performing side gigs under the misleading name [sic] “The Polyphonic Spreé”

After a much-praised world tour, DeLaughter isolated himself from his bandmates, securing his position as a local deity even further and making a name for himself as a talented scrivener. After a drug-induced viewing of the film version of Pink Floyd’s “The Wall” movie, he reinvented himself as a tyrannical dictator, writing new songs bent on world domination and the gradual abolishment of broccoli farming.

Roused to record a new album, DeLaughter called together his band and promptly fired most of them before recruiting a new band “from here and there” and issuing them black uniforms reminiscent of popular hate groups. The band recorded The Fragile Army and is currently touring in support of it. The current lineup includes:

Piano, Vocals, guitar: Tim DeLaughter

Handclaps: Sen. Maria Cantwell, who woke up once on a tour bus belonging to the band and has yet to resume her senatorial duties in California.

Floor Tom: Sparky, a dog found wandering the streets of Dallas with a dead crow in his mouth, which was perceived as “a sign”

Bass guitar: Dan “Sober Dan” Erikson, former touring guitarist for Jimmy Buffett, who was paralyzed from the waist down when a giant stage prop Margarita tipped on him and crushed his legs. When Buffett, who is notorious for his impatience with the handicapped, kicked him out of his band, he was welcomed with opened arms into “the Spree”, who had already installed ramps on their touring vehicles for the lazier group members who employ Rascals.

Theremin: Anthony “Spanish Tony” Mbtumbe, Former drug dealer to Tripping Daisy and the most frequently mentioned suspect of the “hot shot incident”. It is unknown whether DeLaughter knew of his Theremin ambitions before inviting him into the band.

Lead Guitar: Joseph “King” Thompson, who is called “King” on account of his attempt to murder the king of Norway, and not for his legendary collection of Elvis Presley memorabilia. He has been implicated in over eleven cases of regicide.

Rhythm guitar: Dana “Barros” McKinley, a former girlfriend of DeLaughter’s, known for her once having vomited up a live salamander.

Electronics: Thomas “Dutch Oven” Stotch, a former paramilitary leader who has since applied his fervent hatred of the homeless electronics and synthesizers.

French Horn: Al Kooper

Accordian: Dennis “The Real King of the Hoboes” Quercetti, a Vietnam veteran and rail-rider who, despite repeated beatings from Thomas Stotch, remains a popular father figure and storyteller to the band.

The remaining 24 members of the band are comprised of DeLaughter’s five families, who were kept hidden from each other until the release of the the second album, whereupon they were brought forth from their respective bungalow’s in the San Fernando Valley and quickly put to work engineering the album and filling out empty slots on the roster.

so, aside from that, the Gizmos are a proto-punk/garage band from Bloomington, IN in the mid-to-late 70s. I think they sound exactly like a combination of Menster Phip and the Dictators*, which is to say, loud, sloppy, and immature. and mention Lou Reed a lot. I've got a thing for self-referential songs, especially when they describe the formation of a band. these songs have misspellings, false starts, sarcastic warnings, and endless references to teenage sex. so yeah, they're pretty great.

"Balled of the Gizmos" - The Gizmos

"Gizmos World Tour" - The Gizmos

"Pumpin' to Playboy" - The Gizmos

this might be out of print, because I can't find it anywhere, but if can find a copy I'd recommend buying it. or emailing me for the rest of the album.

*I know how pretentious it is to namecheck a somewhat-known Ramones precursor and another band that sold eleven copies in their existence -three to me- but if I said they sound like the Stooges, I'd have people pissed off at me, and I've got enough to worry with a 27 member band on my ass.

and lastly, China IS THE FUCKING SCARIEST PLACE ON EARTH. STOP BLAMING THE DALAI LAMA FOR YOUR SHIT. STOP GIVING US AN EXCUSE TO MAKE SHIT WORSE IN AFRICA, and most importantly, STOP HARVESTING ORGANS FROM YOUR POLITICAL PRISONERS YOU FUCKING PSYCHOS