so I went to the Phillies game yesterday. They lost. I've probably been to well over a dozen Phillies games in my lifetime, and I honestly can't recall them EVER winning in my presence. Normally, I'd get weirded out by this and consider myself a bad luck charm, but since BASEBALL BORES THE LIVING SHIT OUT OF ME, I try to take it in stride. It's seriously a dull, dull game to me, and the steroids fiascos of late only make me distrust the game on top of my lazy indifference to it. For shame, baseball. Instead of the phrase "as American as Baseball and American Pie", we should change it to "as American as corporate greed and spring break roofies". or something. I didn't really think that last one out.
Anyway, while I was sitting in my seat trying not to get myself completely drunk in my malaise I came up with a few suggestions that could seriously make the game a lot more enjoyable to people like me. I know some asshole's saying "but Cotton, the game is a tradition, changing the rules would be ridiculous". Shut up. The game's been dead since Mark McGwire turned into an ape and started assaulting St. Louis police (probably). We might as well have fucking robots play the damned game. So here's my suggestions.
1) No shirtless people in the crowd. This goes for both sexes. Sorry, dudes, but the more likely the chances of getting some asshole's back sweat in my beer, the more I'm going to be concerned with that and not watching the game. Back sweat is back sweat. Too hot? Fuck off, you're outside. Suck it up like the rest of us. Oh, and if youre a guy with pierced nipples? are you fucking kidding me? Is that what you wanna expose at a ballgame? Is this how you try to pick up girls? You're retarded, get out of my face.
2) Bunts are fucking lame. It should be an official baseball rule that whenever a player bunts he has to let out a girlish squeal. eegh.
3) People who mouth along to the national anthem. What is this? Did I miss some sort of patriotism class where you have to get all solemn and muster fake tears while they play this? COME ON. Show respect, but we don't need to break down in hugs, okay? Also, if you're not fucking smart enough to remove your baseball hat while said song is playing you're double an asshole. It's been in my experience it's a lot harder to be disrespectful than the be a goddamn normal person like the rest of us.
4)Rain delays are for pussies. Seriously, is this the only sport that does that? I can't think of anything that makes a sport more enjoyable (except maybe stilts) than the wrath of nature. Suck it up and play. If lightning strikes, you can stop, but even that I think adds something to the game. Also, they should have car batteries hooked up to the bases to shock the players. Not badly, but enough to keep 'em hopping. Oh dom on don't tell me you wouldn't watch that.
5) The music sucks. Whatever happened to "Baby Elephant Walk"? "Take Me Out to the Ballgame"? Yesterday I heard such a bouillabaisse of suck that i wanted to cry. P.O.D.? Fuck that are they even a band anymore? That shit was terrible then, and it ain't wine. Bob Marley's "Buffalo Soldier"? It's not that bada song, but do these people even pay attention to the meaning of a song anymore? Why not play that Charles Manson song that Guns n' Roses covered? I should consider myself lucky I didn't have to sit through that fucking "proud to be an American" travesty. My GOD that sucks.
6)Keep your peanut shells out of my beer. You know what? Let's just generalize that to "keep anything of yours out of me beer". I just paid $8 for this piss, at least let me manage to drink it without finding some dude from the upper deck's fingernail clippings or something.
7) If you hit the guy with the ball, he is out. This is just common sense. Baseball, like every sport, should've been merged with Dodgeball a long, long time ago. I guess that's kickball. and I DARE you to tell me that baseball is more enjoyable than kickball. You'd be a fool to think so.
8) Everyone should flip off the Jumbotron. this is a lifelong dream of mine, to gradually pull my hand into the shot and slooooowly start raising the bird. the whole point would be to see how long it takes them to cut to someone else. You can't just dive into the finger, you have to tease them a little bit. and speaking of the jumbotron, when the hell did it become custome to flash your abs to the screen? Jesus, why don't you just spread your asshole to the camera? okay, that's gross, but it made me laugh a little bit more than that last impromptu joke.
9) Mic the players. Everyone else does it, and those guys are wearing mouthguards and shit. You know these guys talk shit the entire game, why keep that from us?
10) Players have to dive through a flaming hoop to slide into home. or make the baselines slip n' slides. Either way I'll be happy.
so how 'bout it? Somebody at the baseball commission head me out. I don't wanna have to start a new XLB and put you to shame with slutty cheerleaders and ex-felons.
I'm gonna be spending the weekend sitting by a pool and reading my new book, which sounds absolutely so mundane that I can't wait for it. It's gonna be awesome.
true story: I got my lunch from a little BBQ joint down the street where I go about onc of twice a month to get some mesquite sausage and potato salad. the guy there knows me, so I usually don't give my name when plafcing an order, but today there was a new girl on the phone, so I tried to tell her but she hung up before I could. when I got there, my buddy wasn't around but new girl saw me come in and said "sausage and potato salad?" I nodded, not really sure how she knew it was me. When I sat down at my desk to write this and eat my food I notices that the order tag stapled to my bag says "sounds white". How awesome is that?
I don't know much about Magneta Lane, other than they're an all-girl trio (and a cute one at that) from Toronto. They're on the same label as the Deadly Snakes new record and they just recently put out an ablum which I've heard 2 songs off and was slightly disappointed by. One of these songs id form their Constant Lover EP and the other one might have fallen from the sky for all I know. I don't remember where I got it and I can't find it anywhere. Anyways, here's 2 songs:
Cheap Linguistics - Magneta Lane
Their Party Days - Magneta Lane
But the Constant Lover EP halfway down the page here
This next song might be the greatest dis song in rap history. I'm not sure I can hold it over the classics by LL Cool J and KRS, but it's definitely up there. This is Fog's remix of it, which gives it the edge of having one of my favorite beats ever. This is from an EP of hip hop songs that he remixed under his real name, some of which are incredble, some very meh. Eithger way, this and the Kool G. Rap song are the cream of the crop in my opinion.
The Takeover - Jay-Z (Andre Broder's Modern Hits remix)
But the Modern Hits EPs here
Of all the At the Drive-In albums, Relationship of Command might be my least favorite. It's got some gems, sure, but overall it sounds like what was once a full frontal assault on your head trying to head in two places at once, which I guess is exactly what they endedup doing. It was a shame, we all cried at losing what might have been the best live band of the 90s, but we did get this song out of those sessions. How they chose to leave this song off the last album shocks and appalls me. It did manage to creep on to the Japanese import, though. This is what always pissed me off about Grand Royal; the loved Japanese people. For every fucking awesome album they put out, there was an even better Japanese import. Damnit Mike D, couldn't you spread the love here, too? We didn't want your damned country record. What the fuck was that about, anyway?
Extracurricular - At the Drive-In
I guess they reissued the last album with the track on it a little while ago. You can buy it here. or you can buy the original version here for $.8. ha ha ha ha
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