Okay, I’m back, and pleasantly surprised to discover that had 4 more tortillas left in the fridge. Yes, these will make the 9th and 10th quesadillas I’ve made since Sunday, but that’s the sort of crap I eat so what can I say? Not much, I guess. I was the only person at work today, which was sort of nice on account of my melon-headedness, but considering I’ve spoken about 30 words out loud in the past 4 daysand I'm gonna be alone all weekend it’s probably not the best of working conditions for me. I should have been screaming all day in the office. Sounding my yawp, or something like that. In any case, without further ado, I bring you my thoughts on the 1996 classic, Down Periscope.
It’s not like I’m a huge fan of this movie. I mean, I’ve seen it more than once, but I’ve seen a lot of movies more than once. And it’s not like I’m ashamed of it, because there are much worse movies much farther up on my list of favorite movies. I saw Waterworld in the theater 6 times, there’s no fucking way I wouldn’t own up to loving Down Periscope. But I don’t. It’s more of a casual notice than anything. In fact, I would never be writing this if it weren’t for my finding out a few weeks ago that this was Patton Oswalt’s first movie. So, at the height of my fever-induced delirium, I saw this on cable and thought I’d watch the whole thing for that sweet 17 seconds or whatever of screen time that my man got and maybe get a few laughs along the way.
But that’s not the point. Upon first glance, this movie is so destined to fail that it’s a wonder it even made it into theaters. I mean, aside from being a Kelsey Grammer vehicle. And not even that’s fair. Anyone who’s ever watched television is fully aware that the man understands the subtle nuances and crucial timing of comedy. And if you’ve ever seen the man fall off a stage, you know the he’s capable of being a laugh riot. But still, the man isn’t exactly leading man, material, right? That’s where this guy comes in. He’s a younger, muscular guy, the perfect actor to provide the ladies some eye candy. I guess. I don’t know, the guy sort of looks like Adam Sandler with ‘roid rage, and he’s the only character in the movie whose Navy blues are the least gay outfit he’s shown in (you don’t believe me? Watch it! Call me when the fishnet top shows up).
Oh, have I mentioned that Rob Schneider is in this movie? As a hardass? I’ve got a thery about Rob Schneider, and it essentially goes like this: HE FUCKING SUCKS AND ISN’T FUNNY. That’s gonna be my thesis in grad school, actually. I’m actually ashamed of how many movies with him in it that I’ve seen. I’m pretty sure that if I was 10 years younger, I’d have seen every one of his movies, including all the hunks of shit that he’s starred in. Thankfully, though, my Schneider experience stops at the first three Sandler movies and vehicles for balding, aging TV stars. Pity the youth.
That’s not just all, though*. This movie employs every shitty b-movie character trait possible. We got the black guy/white guy tandem, the uppity dean of the rich kids’ camp (sort of), the fat guy, and of course, the drunk. It’s like every shitty movie you saw growing up has been merged into some sort of bouillabaisse of clichéd comedic cinema.
Which of course is probably making you wonder why the hell this movie is worth writing about. It might not be, I don’t know. Sadly, I can go on like this about pretty much any movie I’ve ever seen without even delving into higher meaning and symbolism. I’m like a low-brow savant.
The point is, this movie still has a lot going for it. Two of the greatest actors of our time are there, not including one of my favorite actors of all time and…William H. Macy. No, the guy’s all right. I kid William H. Macy because…he’s William H. Macy. And he’s the only person working today that was in the Last Dragon. Which should actually put him at the top of the pile. In any case, these fine, exalted character actors are so misleading, because they’re not really given much screen time. I’m not even sure Harry Dean Stanton is given a name. Sham on the person that doesn’t give Harry Dean Stanton a name. That guy’s a LEGEND. I think he speaks five words the whole movie. But there’s more. Harland Williams can be funny. Not always, but he’s got it in him. Same goes for Toby Huss.
So what makes this movie so fascinating to me? What is it about this C movie that I’ve now been compelled to write an entire single space page about it? I have no fucking clue. I didn’t laugh all that much, I certainly didn’t learn anything about submarines. So that the fuck is it? I don’t know. But the fact that I stayed up until 5:30 in the morning watching it while sleep-deprived and in pain should be testament enough to make anyone bore out of their skull watch this. And you’re laughing now, I know it. You’re saying “he thinks I’m going to waste 92 minutes of my life on that?” and I know it’s not like you’re going to rent it or something. Please, don’t rent it. But some day, maybe not soon, but someday, you’re gonna be sitting around bored and watching basic cable trying to find something and that movie is gonna pop up. You’re not going to think much of it, really. You probably won’t make a coherent thought until the fishnet top shows up. But that doesn’t matter because by that point you’re going to be stuck. And right then, when you’re wondering why you’re still watching that movie, that’s when you’re gonna remember me* and this little thing you’ve read. Why you’ve read this far I’m not entirely sure, but the point is you’re stuck now, because there’s just a little bit left until the end. See it? See the end? It’s right out of your peripheral vision but it doesn’t matter because you’re stuck. Just like that goddamned movie. So keep that in mind. And if you’ve already seen that, I apologize if you got this far. But I have a little closure for you, as a gift. In 1999, the guy who played the trouble-making son of an admiral (you know who I’m talking about) wrote, directed and starred in his very own movie. And you know who he called in when he needed some star power to help flesh out his new picture? You know who he called when his chips were down? That’s right. Kelsey fucking Grammer.
* I probably should’ve considered writing something else about how Lauren Holly was the lone woman in this picture. To be honest, I’ve not very familiar with most of her work, only that this is the last time I ever saw her. I heard a year later that she was in that shitty movie Turbulence, but there’s only one Ray Liotta movie*** worth watching, and that’s Operation Dumbo Drop.
**Please don’t think of me when Kelsey Grammer is on screen. Or the fishnet dude. In fact, try not to think of me at all.
*** a little IMDB sleuthing has shown me that Ray Liotta and Lauren Holly are set to appear together in another movie called Chasing 3000. The system works.
Shit, I know I said I was going to have some music ready, but the fact is I'm tired of sitting over this computer and I've got an episode of The Office to get to. But in the meantime, head over to rbally and download a Cat Power show that's every bit as desolate and barren as the songs I wanted to post the other day. and it's the whole show, so you end up winning here. Hell, it'll probably provide the soundtrack to my weekend. So Have a good night everyone, and I'll be back tomorrow night probably.
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