Friday, February 29, 2008

Cereal Wars


Last night my wife came home with a box of Golden Grahams she'd picked up at the supermarket (see pic above).
me: "what the hell? Did you buy cereal in 1983?"
her: "No, it's some sort of vintage thing they're doing with General Mills."
me: "that's actually pretty genius. I mean, I can't imagine kids still eating cereal like that, and if you were born between 1070 and 1984, that's pretty much all you need to set started on your nostalgic impulse buying."
her: "I know, right? I actually want some right now just thinking about it, and I just ate"

and so we did. and it still gets soggy INSTANTLY upon contact with milk. But it was alright, because I haven't had that cereal since I was 9 and eating it there with that box in front of me (even the back was the same!) made me feel pretty much like I was a kid. So thanks for that, General Mills.
and to be fair, I like this layout. I like the brownness of it and the fact that there's no holograms or sparkle foil on it. But it also makes me feel 600 years old to look at this compared to today's cereals, even the adult ones. Seriously, of you had handed me a box of cereal from 1981, I'm not sure I would be able to differentiate it from one printed in 1968. You think I'm kidding? Check it out:
Quisp, 1983 (I was gonna insert some snide remark here about how nobody's seen Quisp in 20 years, but of course I'm WRONG).
Super Sugar Crisp, 1984 (which seems kind of cutting edge until you look closely at the bear. Check out those mini arcade games though!Incidentally, who WANTS to give their kids something called Super Sugar Crisp?)
Apple Jacks, 1980 (though I know they continued this poorly-drawn-and-nourished-kids motif for another few years at least)
Check out Raisin Bran, 1981! At what point to the hyper-development of cereal box design take place?
We can't ignore the long-forgotten cereal spokesthings, though. The Walruses, the random sexy whales (the Cap'ns been out to sea a long, long time), the leering, drunken monarch, the unsettling (at best) monkeys, and of course those other weird ass things. Seriously, who uses a scarecrow to sell children's cereal?

Boo Berry, 1981

My personal all-time favorite (character, not cereal*), though, has to be for the one cereal has the LEAST amount of nutritional value ever. Yep; Boo-berry. What fascinates me though is that again, a ghost to sell children's cereal? Not just a ghost, but one that's visibly on drugs? and on top of being a stoned ghost, he's a stoned ghost that looks suspiciously like a hovering blue turd (which might be an indication as to the byproducts of purchasing this particular cereal). Yeah, we got a stoned dead person that looks like poo. and just when you think you're in the clear -OH SHIT- a red bow-tie? and you tell me that they were buying this shit up? WAY.
So I submit to you, the cereal makers, to stop bullshitting us with all these stupid promotions and worthless sparkle and give us some good old-fashioned mascots. I don't mean that think on the Honeycomb box either. It looks like something I cough up only with googly eyes on it.

Favorite all-time cereal? Probably either Smurfberry Crunch (weird, because I've always hated the Smurfs) or Team Cheerios. what can I say, I'm getting old.

Well, I'm off to start moving again. I doubt I'll have any chances for updates until Tuesday or Wednesday, so I hope you have a good couple of days. and if you find yourself in eastern LA County over the weekend, why not stop by and help us lug some boxes? We've got Golden Grahams....

Most of the images I've used for this post came from here (hence the minimal hotlinking), which is one of the most entertaining sites I've seen in a long time. Obviously.

1 comment:

sarah said...

This just cemented the previous craving I already had for some golden grahams!