"We are all mutants", say scientists

probably my favorite headline of all time.

Your morning terror: "Vampire Squid from Hell"

I've mentioned my utter fear of marine biology here before, and at 2 AM this morning, after trying to dose myself with some Tylenol PM, I still sat there in shock watching the Blue Planet episode "The Deep". Some people can't watch horror movies before going to bed, I simply cannot watch stuff like this. It's really an unsettling feeling, to be frozen in terror in a dark room watching deep sea biology at work while drowsy and sleep-deprived.

Of course, most of this is beautiful. A major theme of this episode is bioluminescence, and it's amazing to see what goes on that deep. That said, you start seeing footage of the Gulper Eel, the Viperfish, and of course, the Vampire Squid from Hell:



I don't know what asshole named this thing, but I came away from that video admiring it more than fearing it. Sure, if I saw a dead one washed up on a beach, I'd still hit it with a stick and run away peeing, but it's still a pretty impressive cephalopod, no?

But yeah, if you get the chance, watch this video (you can watch it on Netflix RIGHT NOW) because it's insanely entertaining. and because David Attenborough's voice might just help you sleep more than it helps me...

Nerd out over coffee and espresso over here.

It's a very scientific but ultimately pretty interesting article. Kill some time with it.

Holy Crap

Spider bites can cure the disabled.

That's probably the coolest story I've read in years. Except for that last sentence.

Obama lifts stem cell research funding ban

Score another one for the good guys.

Listen, I'm not going to say that stem cell research can't be used for bad ideas. Obviously, the technology opens up hundreds of thousands of moral gray areas and can certainly be abused for the wrong ideas. There's such a vast array of uses for this science, and breakthroughs will be made for good or ill regardless of whether research funding is legal. Genius is genius, and it likes to work.

The ban hurt almost everyone, though, since under it there was zero chance for the legitimate and well-meaning doctors to obtain funding for combating the gravest of illnesses, while the shadier, more sinister side of the research* could always obtain funding, since they're not waiting for research money from endowments or above-the-board grants and whatnot. Anyone who personally has the resources to fund this stuff for ill gain certainly isn't going to let some pesky law stop them.

*I'm being somewhat vague with this because it's really, really hard to consider just how reaching this technology could go without sounding like a Philip K. Dick story. Needless to say, I have no doubt in my mind that in labs all over the world right now, people are already working on all sorts of ridiculous stuff that would make even my sci-fi addled head spin**. I find comfort in knowing that now we can put some of our brightest minds on to helping everyone.

**For some reason, I keep thinking of someone trying to create the cenobites from the Hellraiser movies in a lab. You can see why I don't actually type this crap out sometimes. I also know how little sense it would make to grow a cenobite, as opposed to a person with four arms or some Dr. Moreau-type shit. Yikes.

excuse me for not including any pictures with this. You rereally don't want what I was thinking, anyway. I should just put up a picture of a smiling, healthy child. But I can't be that sappy, now can I?

11 Toxins found in our drinking water

Scary shit right here.

MORE PLACES I AM SCARED OF

... THE MEKONG DELTA

It's not enough that any trip to the Mekong Delta would probably trigger all sorts of latent 'Nam visions*. They've been finding an average of two new species a week in the region, which is pretty much grounds for evidence that I will never, ever set foot there. While I find the idea of unchartered territory as romantic as the next person, I've also developed -through decades of wilderness mishap- a wild fear of any non-mammalian creatures I see in the wild. the creepier and crawlier, the more likely I would be to bash it with a stick in the woods out of fear. And I shouldn't go to a jungle where all I'd think to do is kill stuff. Hey, those things might have valuable medicines or aphrodisiacs in them, right?
Anyway, a trip to the area today might yield sightings of Gumprecht's green pit viper (sounds cute!), the shocking pink dragon millipede, and oh, the world's largest spider (Heteropoda maxima).
Did I mention that the shocking pink dragon millipede secretes cyanide? I hate it when mother nature uses all these superanimals.

"Some of these species really have no business being recently discovered," WWF's Stuart Chapman said.

*Playboy bunnies in helicopters, acid trips, and R. Lee Ermey. Right?
Thanks to BoingBoing for ensuring I don't sleep until 2009



And if you're about to tell me that all of these are land creatures and there mustn't be anything to fear in the water, think again. I give you:

The Mekong giant catfish (Pangasianodon gigas)

The giant barb (Catlocarpio siamensis)

The giant freshwater stingray (Himantura chaophraya)

Yeah, no thanks.

Oh, and check out the Mississippi paddlefish for some domestic horror.

Overall, more people believe in the devil, hell and angels than believe in Darwin's theory of evolution.

Deepest ever living fish filmed alive

Deep sea fish -like anything that lives in an environs completely void of light environment- tend to scare the crap out of me. It's not just that I'm more afraid of sea creatures than other kinds*, it's also because their appearance is something that looks like it was evolved into some sort of terror machine through years of battling the other creepies and crawlies down there. Giant fangs. Eyes that are somehow dead and luminous at the same time. Flesh that appears either rotting or slimy or both. Cases in point:
See what I mean? Sure, my chances of ever seeing one of these things alive is virtually nil, and even if I did, my skull would be crushed by the enormous pressure of the depths long before it could ever reach me. Hell, even if I was down there and could manage to withstand the tons of ocean water on top of me, I still wouldn't be able to see anything**. Even with all of this, I'm still immensely frightened by these things***.
So, you can imagine my relief today when I read that the deepest ever filmed footage of seep sea wildlife today revealed creatures that, while still slimy and probably fanged, were "cute". That's Monty Priede from the University of Aberdeen's description, not mine. But, it's nice to see them darting around and eating shrimp, as opposed to, I dunno, my extremities. So more power to these guys. I hope they dominate the murky depths, kept in check only by the feared and mysterious giant squid.

wait a minute, what the hell are shrimp doing that deep?

*sea snakes and horseshoe crabs: my living nightmare.
**What makes you think I'd hold on to a light down there if I had one?
*** an, as with all things I'm immensely frightened of, I can't help but wonder how it would taste when properly cooked