Dear Scientists,
How come I still know who Dennis Rodman is? Is it possible for me to just remember him as a Piston in his early days? I'd really appreciate it.
Love,
Cotton

holy shit, it's much harder to find a picture of the old DR than I thought. I honestly think he might have gone out and bought up any old pictures of him, thus increasing his mystique and the lengths to which I will go to try to sound interesting. I'm trying to remember the story about that guy who went around destroying all of the old pictures of himself, but I might just be thinking of Beckett's A Piece of Monologue. Anyone?

Dear Scientists,
Congratulations, you've proved to us that you can raise the dead. Very cool!
But seriously, it's time to re-bury Mickey Rourke. I get uncomfortable even seeing his picture.
love,
Cotton

Dear Scientists,
Can we stop people from throwing the goat yet? I just saw a picture of David Spade doing it while giving money to a homeless person.
love,
Cotton

PS You can go ahead and kill yourself now, metal.

Dear scientists,
Have you really not figured out a way to kill Howie Mandel yet?
Love,
Cotton

Dear Scientists,
If you're ever in a wax museum or something and find yourself staring at a representation of a human being that looks a bit too real... don't pull that waving your hand close to their eyes bit. that never works. Just jam your pointer finger into their eyeball. If it's a dummy, no foul. If it's not... well, everyone learns a lesson.
Love,
Cotton

Dear scientists,
I know you don't know me very well, and I'm sure you're sick of my letters. But can you please stop giving drivers more shit to look at? Seriously, it's hard enough to convince myself that the wacko in the car next to me isn't going to lose control of their* vehicle while texting or drunk dialing or trying to open a bag of Cheetos or whatever. There is no need to add more stuff to the dashboard for drivers to look at. You just know that the people that buy these cars are the same idiots that try to show it off to their friends while they're driving. So please do us a favor. Try to develop a device that forces people to use handsfree headsets. Or maybe some sort of automatic turn signal. I don't know, you're the guys in the lab coats. But try to help us out maybe?
Love,
Cotton

P.S. That is pretty cool, though. Is that made out of the same technology that used to adorn Slurpee cups?

*I don't want to label either gender a bad driver, no matter how Asian they are**.
**Kidding! I know a lot of you guys are Asian***, and that you're bad drivers is a stereotype and unfair. Besides,
***What? That's a good thing, right? Scientist? Who doesn't want to be thrown in with that lot? I don't get you people****
****I should probably just stop now, right?

Goat #10

Dear scientists,
Please start genetically engineering goats 1-9 so that this guy can have some friends to race with. Otherwise, what's the point?
Love,
Cotton

P.S. Is there a way for goats to not have devil eyes?