Monday, July 20, 2009

Dear Hansen Beverage Company,

I would like to say that this is a fictional letter congratulating you on the quality of your product, or the business practices you've taken on out of concern for your customers. That's all well and good, and I say keep up the good work there. No, I've got a larger concern. Namely, your products -all of them, from your ginger ale to the radioactive sludge known as Monster energy drink, are fucking gross.
I've tried so hard to find a product of yours I like. You see, I used to drink soda all the time. You know those kids that aren't allowed to have sugar? I was like the opposite of that. I drank at least 3-4 of them a day, and loved it. Then, sometime in college, I really just started hating the taste of it. I tried all sorts of replacements, but in the end I had to go with sparkling water because there was nothing else.
When I found your products, I was ecstatic because I thought I might be able to enjoy some ort of soda again. Alas, it was not to be. For you see, unlike your regular customers, I don't like the taste of carbonated tree bark and squirrel farts. Strange, I know, but what can you do? I've tried no less than 5 different types of your soda, and all of them have this unpleasantness. The other night, I saw that you're making a Cranberry/Grapefruit soda. I thought to myself "alright, this is for me. There's no way I can not like this". Four minutes later, I was spitting it out into the sink and wondering how the hell you could've dropped the ball on that. It might've been the Splenda. Listen, I'm okay with sugar. If I was eating grapefruits and cranberries, there'd be sugar in them. All part of the... fruit game. So there's no reason to dump that lousy fake-ass sugar in there.
So Hansen's you just made the list. That's right, the brands-that-are-dead-to-me list. It's a short one, inhabited mostly by companies with nutjob lunatic fringe owners or ones that are Colorado-based beer companies. and you.
So sod off, Hansen. I've given you too many shots and I got boned by every one of them. NO MORE.

1 comment:

Sarah said...

I drank coconut soda and it tasted like camel sweat.

A very funny post, Cotton.