You sick bastards

I complain enough about remakes on this thing that I really should just make it a theme. But really, most movies don't need to be remade, and I can't possibly believe we've exhausted every good idea.

I thought I'd addressed the upcoming Friday the 13th remake here already, but my search came up empty. Which is fine, because they already remade well, let's go down the list:
Texas Chainsaw Massacre, The Omen, Halloween, Friday the 13th, Nightmare on Elm Street, Prom Night, Carrie, The Hills Have Eyes, The House on Haunted Hill, The Amityville Horror, Invasion of the Body Snatchers (like seven times), Dawn of the Dead, The Hitcher... I could do this for HOURS without even delving into all the foreign remakes or sci-fi, but italicizing them all bores me. I mean, why should this genre in particular seem so ripe for the plucking? Why hasn't anyone tried to remake Gone With the Wind, or Casablanca? The Maltese Falcon or The Wizard of Oz? Eh, I guess The Wiz sorta counts.

Because people will lose their goddamned minds, that's why. As long as they avoid movies that aren't widely considered classics they're in the clear. But these are my classics. And it pisses me off to see them treated so shoddily. Remake Dr. Zhivago into a Dane Cook vehicle for all I care, but I swear to you, if some fucker puts their creasy hands on Phantasm, there's going to be a bloodbath.

Of course, as I'm looking up this stuff, I see that they're remaking Poltergeist. Are you kidding me? Is there any reason to do this? What, was the trail of bodies not long enough after the last few? The original Poltergeist is one of the best movies ever made. In fact, the very remake of it makes me suspicious. Can you imagine Spielberg remaking any of the other movies he's ever made? Is it because he didn't credit himself as the director that he felt okay selling the rights to it? Fuck you, Spielberg. Go remake Hook or Empire of the Sun or some other bullshit movie and stop messing around with the ones that I love.

Apparently, they're remaking Hellraiser, too. Though to be honest, I don't really care. There's already like 40 of those, and I'm not sure anyone has noticed that.

My real reason for starting this post, though, is completely different. Because the movie that they're remaking now is even more ridiculous. The Last House on the Left is an extremely disturbing movie. It's gorey and rapey and honestly makes you sick to your stomach watching it. Along with I Spit on Your Grave and the Texas Chainsaw Massacre, this movie heralded an entirely new wave of low-budget horror that not only became Drive-In staples, but really fucked up a lot of the American psyche and certainly helped usher in that acid hangover that followed the late 60s and early 70s. Also, I would say they're directly responsible for Cannibal Holocaust, make of that what you will.
BUT.
There's no reason to remake it. Especially since there is NO FUCKING WAY POSSIBLE that it can be made in today's studios without half of America starting their own letter-writing campaigns. So we will get a watered-down and and ill-conceived version of a movie that really can't be made more terrifying. Let's face it, one could argue* that the original should never have been made. But it was. And it sets a boundary for about as sick as a (non-Japanese) horror movie can get. Why fudge that line?

So listen, Hollywood assholes. PLEASE knock it off. Make more comic book movies if you have to. Shit, make another 200 Fast y Furiouses if that makes you feel better. But try to give us something remotely new.

or you know what? Remake chick flicks. Steel Magnolias could use an update. or Beaches. If cou can't use a sliver of imagination in writing movies, at least pretend to have some variety in the genre of film you want to ruin. Dicks.

*Not me, but I can see the rationale behind it. I wonder if the remak would be NC-17. Is that still a thing?