Dear Alberto Gonzales,

I can't say I'm not glad to see you go. I can't really even say that I wouldn't enjoy hearing that you'd been devoured by a mythical whale, or chupacabra. What I believe, though, what I truly believe, is that you’ve used the U.S. Constitution as your assrag for the past few years, and that we won’t even be learning about the really horrific stuff for a few more years to come. I’m willing to bet you even snuck in some parting shot on your way out. We’re going to find out in October that W is legally our Emperor. I don’t care about that shit, though. I don’t even care that Michael Chertoff is being considered as your replacement. At this point they could nominate Chester Cheetah as your replacement and I wouldn’t even blink. I’d just start stockpiling whatever cheese I could scrounge up.

No, I’m pissed that you have to keep inciting the hardships of your father and grandparents when you make any sort of public appearance. You’ve gone to great pains to do this, and with GW sitting beside you nodding, as if he has a fucking clue of what you’re talking about.

Now, I am not one do dispute your family’s hardships. I’m sure that it was no pleasure to deal with the hostility and racism that accompanied being an illegal immigrant in their time. What bothers me is that you have gone out of your fucking way to incite more hostility and racism for immigrants of today. Guest worker programs* aside, you have helped whip up a furor over the exact same conditions that have led to your being born here. On top of that, you are resigning amidst allegations of because of your program to strike LEGAL immigrants off of the voter rolls to give advantage to your administration’s party. How can you justify that? How do you sleep knowing what you’re doing is curtailing the rights of these people, who came here legally and envisioning the “American Dream” you refer to so lovingly? Is the American Dream pissing all over the citizenry? Bullying the underdog? Probably. It certainly seems to be a running motif.

And what bothers me the most about all of this is that in addition to perpetuating the litigious shanghai of our fundamental rights, you’re also opening the doors for all sorts of fuckwitted programs. Now they can make up all sorts of crazy shit and cite you as precedence. So thanks for that. Your legacy will live on in the slow decline of this country. Your administration might well be looked back upon in the future as the nail in the coffin of the era of the United States of America as the cultural and moral leader of the free world. So please stop hamming it up for the cameras. Don’t keep mentioning the plight of your ancestry. Just shut up and go off to your lecture tour and let some other idiot come in and finish what you’ve started.

With fiery mind bullets of outrage,

Your pal Cotton

*honestly, I can see how you'd think these would work, but there's still no way this isn't just further exploitation of a migrant labor force. and until you can guarantee that these people will be granted the same rights as other workers in this country, you've pretty much just legalized slavery. Thanks for that one as well.